Speaking of endings...

friend jeanette asked for a little one act
for her MOTEL CHRONICLES project.
two people, one room
lay aside projections-- a piece about abandonment, fierceness,
endings and what it takes to get something finished

not sure if the formatting will hold
this part of the Marriage Suite


SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES
By Susan Merson

BILLY, 40’s, IS SITTING ON THE MOTEL BED POURING HOT WATER FROM A THERMOS INTO A CUP O NOODLES. SHE WORKS CAREFULLY, LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO PUT IT DOWN SO SHE CAN MAKE THE NEXT CUP. HER HUSBAND, CARL, IS WITH HER, PACING, CHECKING HIS PHONE.

BILLY
I was talking on the telephone. I mean I was on hold, on the freeway. I was looking for you. I was holding the phone…

CARL
When? (HE POKES AT THE PASTA WITH A FORK)… that looks pretty nasty.. Bring any parmesan?
BILLY
I didn’t bring the contents of the pantry when I beat it from the fire, okay? (she waves him away) When I was driving here from home, alone. I was driving and..
CARL
… when, on your way here? In all that traffic. You were driving and talking on the phone? (SHE GIVES HIM A LOOK) You’re telling me some story about talking on the.. . and you’re cooking Cup O Noodles. I’m listening for Chrissakes..
BILLY
Multi tasking. That’s what we do. I am “cooking” your pasta and telling you a story at the same time.



CARL
Well, do one thing or the other, will ya?

BILLY
I am cooking and talking, Women, we multitask. We talk and eat. Fuck and dream of Fellini.
CARL
I bet HE got to eat the pasta his wife made lovingly in his own home. Not in some crap ass motel on a freeway overpass. I really need to eat. I am so fucking hungry.

BILLY
Doing the best I can here…

CARL
Right, you’ve had a tough day.

BILLY
And your day? How was your day, asshole? Mine was a picture of contentment.

CARL
I told you. I’m hungry. Hell of a day. The kind of bullshit I put up with, man…

BILLY
Yeah? What kind of bullshit? You make your way through roadblocks, get the last rental car on the lot because your car is a smoking mass in our carport halfway to Mulholland?

CARL
I’m glad you got a rental car.

BILLY
I am trying to tell you something..
CARL
Well, tell me already, goddamnit. And Christ, don’t drown the goddamn Cup O Noodles. How can you even pretend that I am going to eat that crap?

BILLY
Don’t.
CARL
What?
BILLY
Don’t eat it. I don’t see the pantry overflowing. Unless you’d like to go stand in the line at the shelter. I bet they’re serving filet fucking mignon.

CARL
I am just saying…

BILLY (quietly firm)
Carl, find a table and then goddamn set it. Turn on the radio. See if there;s a report on the fire zone, If all the houses in our area went up.

CARL
Calm down . I’ll set the table.
HE MOVES THE END TABLE BETWEEN THEM. PLACES THE TWO CANISTERS OF FOOD ON THE TABLE. FINDS PLASTIC FORKS THEN, RELENTING-- FLIPS ON THE RADIO. JAZZ PLAYS. IT HELPS.



BILLY
Sit down. Here. You’re hungry. Here, it’s ready. There are two--

HE JUMPS UP
CARL
Right, I’ll be right there. I gotta pee. Three seconds…

BILLY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE ALONE. SHE CAN’T LIFT HER FORK. SHE IS EXHAUSTED. THE MUSIC PLAYS. SHE PLACES HER TWO HANDS ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF HER.SHE SPEAKS TO NO ONE. TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

BILLY
Just as I came onto the ramp. I saw him and I rolled to a stop. On the freeway. Remember how we looked at those elk we saw on the side of the road, braying at each other in the fog. That time in Northern California? We just stopped and…

CARL COMES BACK IN. HE HAS ONLY HEARD THE PART ABOUT THE CAR.

CARL
What.. on the freeway? What were you driving? You got the last rental car on Ventura. Lucky. What are you driving?
HIS CELL PHONE RINGS

BILLY
A Nissan Sentra.. Triple AA discount.
HE ANSWERS IT.

CARL
( speaks into the phone) Yeah? Carl. Jimmy! I’m eating dinner. I’m at the goddamn table with my…
HE GETS UP AND MOTIONS TO BILLY. HE HAS TO TAKE IT

BILLY
….. and there was one of those relic-y VW’s, a rattly snack van loaded for bear, on the way to sell crap to some gathering at some kid soccer game.

CARL(on phone)
Aw fuck, Jim. You call me with this crap? I told you what I need. We got burnt out. Our whole street. Everything gone.. everything up for grabs.. I been standing in lines all day long….
CARL TAKES HIS PHONE AND LEAVES AGAIN. BILLY IS ALONE. SHE SPEAKS TO THE AIR.

BILLY
It looked like he was looking for a contact lens or something. He didn’t get up.. He had nothing on. No clothes. He had managed to walk to the middle of the freeway, just after the 101 merges into the 170 and all those trucks are on their way from the warehouses down near the interchange. And everyone is trying to drive away from the hills. and he was on his hands and knees on the freeway, his balls blowing in the wind. Looking for something. His knees were bleeding…you could see that as he moved along. Making imprints on the concrete. It took the longest time. for anyone to believe that the guy was even there. He didn’t move except on his knees an inch at a time. He was on the way to Campostela.
CARL COMES BACK IN


CARL
That was Jim.

BILLY
What did he want?
CARL
He wanted to fuck me up the ass. That’s what he wanted..
BILLY
Tasty language.
CARL
All of a sudden you’re so sensitive. Mac fucking truck driver potty mouth finds God, I suppose.
THEY EAT THE MUSIC HELPS. FORKS. GLASSES CLINK, SLURP. EACH EATING, AVOIDING, EATING.

BILLY
Hard day.
CARL
You bet.
BILLY
I’m not apologizing. You stormed out of the house. No conversation.
CARL
We had a fight, Billy. We always have fights.
BILLY
Carl. How long we been married?
CARL
Twenty years.
BILLY
Sometimes I feel like the guy on the freeway.


CARL
What guy?
BILLY
The guy I was telling you about, when you were on the phone not listening, The naked guy, on his hands and knees looking for something on the freeway .. the way he looked so hard.. everyone was watching him look—It was scary.

SHE CLOSES HER EYES
CARL
Bil? ( no answer) Bil? Your eyes are closed but I know you’re not sleeping. (no answer)
Bil. I took the car in. Last week. I took the car in and the guy told me it needed a new engine. The tires were shot. Transmission leaking. Bil. We needed a new car. A new engine. The one that burned, it was done anyway.
BILLY
Where’d you go? After the fight?
CARL
You bring any of my stuff? My bag? Wallet.
BILLY
You stormed out of the house, Walked somewhere. And yes, I brought all your stuff. It’s there on the dresser.
HE GOES AND CHECKS OUT HIS ID AND STUFF. SHE WATCHES HIM DO INVENTORY.
Where’d you go?
CARL
I ran into Nancy Buswell. Had lunch with her. She was down the hill, saw me walking, we drove out to the beach, had lunch. I’ve known her since high school, you know. She and I we go way back.. Her house gone too now I bet and we were eating lunch at the beach. That’s where we were.
BILLY
Who was it fiddling while Rome burned?
CARL
She looked good for twenty years gone. She liked what she saw, Bil. I just want you to know she liked what she saw.
HE SAYS THIS SADLY
BILLY
I’m glad she was looking, Carl. You deserve someone who is looking.

BEAT
CARL
I set the fire, Bil. I want you to know that. I set the fire and blew us all away.
( can’t believe it)—man we fight all the time and .man. And I dropped my cigarette and then., I ran into Nancy …. The whole thing in flames and nothing left at all. Nothing.
BILLY
What? Done? Like that?
CARL
The fire.. the guy on the freeway, all of it—it’s just signs and wonders, baby. Just fucking signs and wonders.
BILLY
Carl? What are you…?
CARL
I tried to love you, Billy, Every day for twenty years I tried so hard to love you but you never let me. You never gave me an inch, babe. And I turned the other cheek and turned the other cheek and took over more work at the office, and won another fucking award, and at some point, I mean… nowhere to run and nowhere to hide,
BILLY
Nobody needs to know about the fire. Nobody needs to know,
CARL
You begging me, Billy? You see the guy on his knees on the cement and you’re now willing to beg me, to tell me you love me,
BILLY
No, Carl. Not begging. Not begging at all.
CARL
I guess I should. go to Mexico or something.
BILLY
Mexico? They’ll love you there, Carl
CARL
So many people liked me. So many. Man I know people all around the world through the business and I bet there isn’t a one who doesn’t like me. But you, Billy. You were always the one who didn’t like me. Never let me rest, babe. Why’d you do that?
BILLY
I’m that guy on the freeway. Scraping my knees, looking for deliverance, the right route to your heart.. your authentic heart.
CARL
What the fuck does that mean? Authentic heart. Damn , girl. I’m just a simple guy and wanted a simple life. Nothing fancy. And I did my best. It may not have been enough for you but…
BIL
Of course, it was enough, I was just,, I couldn’t find you. You looked so great to everyone else but I couldn’t find you.

CARL
You were so goddamn busy looking at the road, scraping your knees and me, I was riding in a convertible to the beach. Maybe that’s the whole story right there.
BILLY MOVES BACK TO THE TABLE AND SITS.
BILLY
Here, sit. Eat your dinner, It’s cold. It’s good, you’ll see,
CARL KISSES HER ON THE FOREHEAD.
CARL
I’m outta here, babe. I’m on my way.
CARL LOOKS BACK AT HER AND THEN GOES TO THE DOOR WITH HIS BAG
BILLY
You burned it all up, Carl. Ashes to ashes.
.
CARL
Dust to dust. Yeah, dust to dust, babe.
CARL LEAVES
BILLY SITS AT THE SMALL TABLE, PICKS UP HER CUP OF NOODLES AND STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD

LIGHTS FADE.
END OF PLAY.

now it's 2 months...

...and time moves ahead
energy still floating through the clouds
settling here and there
resting on a bush, behind the fence, in the humming bird
and responding to what is necessary..
finally moving ahead to do the things that are next
the earthquake retrofit
a task we have put off for years..
and it looks like the Audi needs to move on as well--
all these things falling into place.
and the terrible earthquake in Chengdu
T and I visited there together--
it's the Panda preserve and the place of the worst meal in the world
the place where we had a dessert called "Toobahtooey"
as in "too bad to eat"
and watery beer and the place of many many buddhas
where you stood in front of the large carved wooden buddhas and
made a wish and lit a candle and burned some money to say thank you to the gods.
and turned three times and spit over your shoulder thinking we would live forever.
we did those things together
in the flesh and sharing the energy of both sides of our brain and consciousness
and now there are new ways we share
new consciousness and energy

click on the link-- or put this in your browser-- and you will hear the scientific proof of the way in which energy shifts though does not evaporate.
the wonder of life is the way in which the brain defines and focuses and claims energy- and the euphoria of eternal energy, the stuff that many have pooh-poohed for years as hippy crap is finally being proven. by a brain scientist no less. so listen and learn and see if you can find the way to still and balance your brain and sense the energy of those to whom you are forever connected.

microclesia ? Blog Archive » Jill Taylor’s TED Talk

amazing. true. so many teachers now showing us the way in which we are all one.
now, to release into this truth and live in the same euphoria in which we are surrounded.

peace
xxoo
s

a new play inspired by old news

before you read this, know that this piece is BASED on experience
though NOT what actually took place-
i say this because assumptions can and have been made
but i am a fiction writer after all
and add grains of salt to fill out the feel of a tale
or an event.

so, let's be clear
T did not overdose
or intend departure
but the person in this play did
okay?
got that?

now, this piece was commissioned from a small theatre
they sent out photos of a particular house to writers
and the writers wrote events for the rooms
this is the blue bedroom
and thought it might be of interest.
i may decide to use it to expand my one act WHITE BIRCHES into a longer piece, hence the use of the name Jim.
here we go.


CARLA TELLS US WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BLUE BEDROOM
By Susan Merson


CARLA, A WOMAN IN HER 50’S, SITS QUIETLY IN HER SWING ON THE PORCH. SHE TAKES A SWIG OF TEA. SHE LOOKS UP AND SPEAKS SIMPLY.

CARLA
Houses are sentimental. Nothing special. Nothing real except fabric bone and rock. Nothing oozing from corners except memory and sound. Nothing waiting in the closets or under the beds except the dust of years lived together and creaky springs that got lazy after too many attempts at sex when it didn’t matter much anymore. And the old tennis balls from the dog, chewed over and over and now not even buoyant, just left.
Like a widow, rolling against pillows that used to hold her lover, who became her husband, who became her friend, then her companion, then her other lung and the weight on her heart til he curled peacefully to his side one night, when I slept fitfully, for the first time in so many months, in the next room. Only to allow him rest. To allow us both a little rest.
“You’re on your own,” I said that to him. “You’re on your own!” furious, when he downed the last handful of pills. “They aren’t in the bottle, Jim. They’re not in the bottles. All these pills, all white, all powder all different. How can you figure?”
“We’ll sort them in the morning,” he said to me .“We’ll sort them.”
But he didn’t. He wouldn’t. I got out a magnifying glass.
A big one. I told him right then.
“Now, let’s sort it now!” Furious. Losing.
He flicked his hand at me The one with the bent finger,
He took what he wanted and lay back against the puffed pillows. A fluffy bed I made for him. Ridiculous. The things you do for comfort.
I lay down next to him. Watching him. He startled at my eyes, demanding he be present.
watching his breath, holding him here on the planet.
So I gave in.
“You’re on your own,” I said to him and went to the room across the hall.
He breathed a sigh of relief as I passed the bell in the hallway.
“I’ll hear him. I’ll know if he needs me.”
He didn’t need me
He wanted to be gone,
to be done and so,
gently he turned to his side and
closed his beautiful eyes and slipped off.
A blessed death, they say, going that way
A blessed death with little more suffering to endure
That a blessing to be sure.
The police when they came. Officer Jimmy and Officer Carl.
Young, so young and stiff.
They looked at me. Suspicious, “”The pills, ma’am”,they said?
”And the magnifying glass, ma’am,” they asked?
Looking at the plastic bag, the white box, the dirty glass on the dresser.
They asked me. They looked hard.
They were ready to unroll the yellow tape and make the house a crime scene, while the doll watched from the hallway and the bell still said nothing.
But my wailing, I suppose. My wailing, my chant,
”Omigod,omigod..”
It’s all that would come,
“A cliché,” is all I could think of. “Omigod”, comical. No poetry there.
I think it scared those little police boys, none with wives yet, none with lives or history.
They left. They slunk off. Peeling back their white plastic gloves and their grim eyes.
We loaded him beautiful on a gurney, with flowers and a homemade quilt and he was gone. Off to dust.
But the sentimental house, the empty house with silent dust and empty corners,
The silent house oozes him
And us
And then
And now, and I sleep and the bell doesn’t ring
And I wonder I just wonder if there will be breath here again
A wind to push us to the next place
Silent and possible.
Sunlight brushing death every day I’m left.

SHE TAKES A SIP.
Tea’s cold. That’s what happens.
SHE GETS UP. THEN SITS BACK DOWN HOLDING THE MUG IN HER HAND.
PUSHING THE SWING SLOWLY BACK AND FORTH WITH HER FEET. WAITING.
LIGHTS FADE.

resting just an inch away....

that's what it feels like
on a large cushioned chair
finally resting resting but so close
strange to feel him so close and
him with so much more wisdom
since he's already moved thru the veil of tears
"not necessary" i know he says that to me
when i seem to well up leaky
at the moments when closest to understanding
he is free of the body
and now is just resting....
hmmm

i understand the freedom of slipping off this mortal coil
that shakespeare knew a thing or two.

and a beautiful honor just bestowed--
ellen geer just told me she'd like to dedicate this
season at Theatricum Botanicum to T
here's what i wrote


“….and when he shall die
cut him up into little stars
for he shall make the face of heaven so bright
that all the world will be in love with night and
pay no more worship to the garish sun…"
Gallop apace- Juliet


My darling husband, companion and best friend for the last twenty-seven years, TONY SHULTZ, shines over you tonight. Look above you. Starring above this theatre that he loved and helped to create.

Drawn here by the warmth and open heart of Will Geer and his family, Tony happily told the tale of helping to build the original theater where he was lucky enough to play his first Romeo to Melora Marshall’s Juliet. Tony met Will on a film set where he was working as a stand in for Burt Lancaster. Will took a shine to the handsome young man with a passionate edge and asked him what role he’d most like to play.
“Romeo”, said T.
“Come out to Topanga next week. We’ll build a theatre.”
And so they did.

And through all his acting years in New York appearing in the original GREASE, THE BAKERS WIFE, PLATINUM, - and then on to his business life in real estate and serving on the Board of LA’S BEST as well as THEATRICUM-- Tony always returned here, introducing his family to the magic of the theatre with great pride. When our then seven-year-old daughter happily recited Helena in MIDSUMMER for her first Shakespeare class, and frolicked as Peaseblossom here in Topanga, he thanked Sofie’s teacher with the words, “Will would be proud.”

We are honored that Ellen has chosen to invoke Tony’s sweet strength as a blessing for this season. He is honored. He is here and he, along with Will, would be proud.

Blessings
Susan Merson Shultz and
Sofie Shultz

,,, and Loma Linda has the jewel

Leon came up to LA with his dad today
and explained all the paperwork so nicely
and his kind papa, so proud at the purchase of the
12 cylinder gas guzzler by his ample son
sat quiet , reciting psalms under his breath, while
we finished the paperwork,
Leon Tuppence, and there is a name,
handed me lots and lots of 100
dollar bills and that was that.

the perfect spot for the JAG really.
with Leon in Loma Linda
there dwells the same good heart
the same belief that there is salvation
in a sleek white ride
he says he will send me pictures.

and so it goes and it went.

and the balance of the day reconnecting with
a man i haven't seen in over thirty years
and then tonight my new play festival
and those kids trying to act so cool and
really so deeply surprised and delighted
that they have a place to
be heard
to get the words on a stage and into the world

not a bad day all in all

the next mountain to climb is placing the ashes
in a plastic canister
into a bautiful box and slipping them in the ground
with no one noticing
i choose dawn alone with a cuppa
and a quick slide into the earth before the sun is up
while the fog still embraces us and i can pretend that the
ashes in my hand are not the body that i embraced
that held me and warmed
to the way my feet fit under
his arch
and the bent finger that won my heart
that finger, damaged in the ceramic studio-- like so much else--
that finger bent
when i first saw it caused me to exclaim sympathetically--
' no worries" said t,' it let's me point around corners."
and that, that finger that was the reason i married the man.

so odd this insistence that we are up to the reality of such reality
a wife to hold the ashes of a husband
a husband to scatter a wife at sea

not for me. i never wanted ash to be poured from plastic to urn
and have me pretend not to wonder where is eyeball and where is bone.
i prefer the other fantasy of boxes lowered and earth tossed
as that ritual at least connected me with ages of ritual i understand
i don't think i was ever an Indian on the Ganges in any life.

so i choose dawn, solo and the mist softening the edges and
then a run far away until next year when the stone is set and
then, again , there i have a ritual to follow,
a script, an expectation and
understanding...

and yes, i know i am setting ritual for my daughter
but the whole exercise leaves me pitless and limp
and not happy to contemplate

sat kaddish , says the rabbi
magnify and sanctify His name
to avoid the idea that the dust between my fingers
once held my hand and laughed with me in the shower.

but no dawn for me.
bright sunday sunlight and bulldozers near by
and the sweet latino jardineros waiting on the side for me to say the words
place the box and be gone

no, rituals help. i highly recommend them
a treasure map of familiarity to help you thru the days
when these days come to you
as they do to and for us all.

but that's a few weeks from now
and life is waiting between now and death

they say it's your birthday..

.. and so it is.
flowers and emails and wishes and greetings from many
many remembering
and reaching out to us and so many thanks for that.
my daughter even sent flowers
with a note to crush any wall of toughness
any scab that might have settled on the wounds.

oy vey
i have hesitated to write as
the ache and moan of the everyday
become wearing for all of us
but


i started the day strong, with posters of love from my sweet girl
mamacards on the breakfast table and my bedroom door

and sprigs of orchids from cautious friends wanting to ache with me
but respecting my need to isolate
then the club for lunch with perfect friend and
more perfect niece and the phone rings
to introduce me to Leon from San Bernadino, a
large black round lovely
retired real estate developer
who drove 90 miles into
town to check on the JAG and want to take it home with him.
and he loves it
the car purrs, says Leon, and I weep for the joy of it
for the purr fect fit of it
for the sweetness of the buyer and loss of the driver
and we sit at Baja Fresh, big Leon and smart Dennis
and caring niece to balance me as I sign agreements to
let the JAG have a new life

tho the roof is broken and yet more and more
and there are cracks in its grill
but Leon assures me he LOVES the JAG
and will pet the JAG
and make the beast beautiful and whole and
so the JAG will go to San Bernadino
in a week or two and another palpable piece of planet Tony
will move away from us.

tonight i will gather with heart filled friends
and we will be bathed in the sounds of a sweet cello
the perfect man found to play for me
for us
so we can hear ourselves tonight of all nights

the blessings abound

and i read the book that tells me the primary and only
relationship that will sustain is that of oneness with the universe
where all love lies
which i understand-- that is stand under and look up to comprehend
and yet have trouble elevating
when the door does not open and
the bell does not ring and
he does not walk back in to our house and
tell me that he is come from yet another screening
and speaks too loud on the phone.
still it is relief to see his exhaustion gone
but
to feel his presence fading, mutable
that differently hollow
such is widowhood month one

so many solo people in the world
the luxury of coupling is much respected
and perhaps meant to be enjoyed in cycles of instruction.
and destruction
and construction.

my garden is in full blossom
oh the joy of it
i enjoy the print by meinraad craighead on my wall
'come gather my ripe harvest
in all it's many colors'

blessings
amen

so it's been a week....

...since i've written and was wondering
when i would get back to this
very public very private display
of this very private and yet quite public event.

it has been a month now,
since he's gone and
new tragedies have started crowding the landscapes-
parents with strokes
children with cancer
and the flowers blooming anyway

T told me he checked the blog to see how it was all going


to see how he felt
and what was next and inside ourselves
and he is gone now
and i realize that this blog was his
an expression of him and the way in which he
intersected with his world
and experience.

and i am not him
i am what's left of a part of him

my gash is more gaping perhaps than most
but as i inch along the snail-y trail of tears
i move more and more from him
into myself and

so my words, revelations, abilities to share
discoveries to acknowledge become
more focused and more mine
less, ours


i am not sure of all the ways i will be me
separate from Tony
it is all in the mix at the moment

but it is figuring out the new voice that stops me from
flippantly reporting on internal shifts and
magic elixirs applied as in the Hogwarts infirmary-
poof! you have a new leg.

my new legs, arms, heart are not yet buds
only yet stumps, amputated--bloody, coagulating

and though i look down the hallway toward the light
i am still in the corridor looking backward and forward
paralyzed by then, now and maybe and
the galloping galloping as fast as i can

all of this is to say

hello
i'm getting new

and not sure who will come out the other end of this tunnel
and if walking the damp corridor makes sense
in silence or with friends

so stay tuned if you like
but know the voice is different now

the birds do sing in the dark, thru the night around here
that i do know from the many nights i was up with them
blazing through the night in my garden office

but i am sleeping now
curious
and i just an not sure what i am hearing
and what i have to say

xxoos

am off for the weekend

so sof is off to sf for her choir weekend
and i am off to school and then a spa weekend

walks thru the huntington gardens today
wine and cheese and trying on new patterns
on the patio
at the end of the day

am still not getting phone messages
so email remains best way to be in touch.

sh-h-h-h-hh

what to say

not sure how to report in on the day to day
of living from here to there
to report on the rewiring of the heart
and the way music finds its way underneath
the cellular structure of the heart
and how strong i feel in the house and
how the strength drains away the
farther from the energy base that i go.

not sure how to write about grief
and quiet and the sound of the wheels on
the road when NPR is off and there is nothing but the sound
of the Audi, T's Audi, car moving along the road.

the tasks of transition almost done
death certificates sent out
money on its way
taxes being attended to
and most closets cleaned

and then taking up the tasks of
everyday
rewired
that is probably the best way to describe this time
a time of rewiring and shorting out
and replugging and unsure about where the unused wires are supposed to go.

certain things are true
conversations are heard in a different light
talk of minor illness, the illness that is comforting somehow
as it defines our time of life
that kind of illness seems welcomed by many
confused and unsure how to accept the next stage of life.
an old concern, different for me now

there is a certainty about what connects
listening to the music and prayers in a shabbat service
is like having my skin peeled
in a weird ritual of relief kind of way

there are new awarenesses about
spirit and slotting growth

there is a quiet and a boring into the heart
that is both painful and liberating i suppose

there are still the details of loss to handle
choosing the plot
wording the stone for my husband
and moving from place to place to place

my turn pushing the wheel
omigod

yes yes fine

things come in waves
standing at the rail of santa monica pier and
telling a re-newly in love friend of
T's passing and watching the waves as my friend
stood strong and connected so rooted by his new love
and watching the waves as they washed the pelicans off
their dives and dared them to dip in again.

business stuff coming clearer
that good
and the rest comes and goes

not allowed to write about my daughter
but always good to check in there

blessings

a poem by James Wright

this came from my friend Richmond Hoxie today:

A Blessing
by James Wright

Just off the highway to Rochester, Minnesota,
Twilight bounds softly forth on the grass.
And the eyes of those two indian ponies
Darken with kindness.
They have come gladly out of the willows
To welcome my friend and me.
We step over the barbed wire into the pasture
Where they have been grazing all day, alone.
They ripple tensely, they can hardly contain their happiness
That we have come.
They bow shyly as wet swans. They love each other.
There is no loneliness like theirs.
At home once more,
They begin munching the youg tufts of spring in the darkness.
I would like to hold the slenderer one in my arms,
For she has walked over to me
And nuzzled my left hand.
She is black and white,
her mane falls wild on her forehead,
And the light breeze moves me to caress her long ear
That is delicate as the skin over a girl's wrist
Suddenly I realize
That if I stepped out of my body I would break
Into blossom.
---------------------------------------------

I am moving furiously through my days
cleaning, shoving
hacking up old memories and cleaning out cobwebs
it is alternately invigorating and nauseating
and soon there will be nothing more to clean
and nothing more to rearrange
and he will still be gone and
that time of our lives gone and over.
That is enormously difficult
and I long to break into blossom already..
and be done with it before I have even begun.

so what are we too too mortal flesh anyway

in the mitzvah log
we write
candace today
and barbara
who came to my house and
scrubbed and organized and rearranged and honored and helped me to open
just a little bit more
the heart chakra
stiff

(and then pryed open by my chiropractor- yikes the tears float like a river)
and we--candace and I
we opened boxes and looked at old pictures
and found images of the beginning and middle and then the end
we looked at the beauty of our youth--T's and mine--
the people we looked like when we met
before we met
how we held each other and looked at each other in the thrall of love.
i discovered the notes that i had secreted to my sweetheart so many years ago
a note from our honeymoon i didn't know he had kept
a strip of hot pix from the photo shoot I did the week i met him
the notes and cards i had slipped him thru the years
wishing love, asking forgiveness, pledging adventure,
trusting him with the bluebird of happiness... all these notes he kept
and had squirreled away in small corners, beneath piles of too many tee shirts and
behind stacks of old magazines.
i found all those notes and images that we shared and
he valued.. we valued and shared and are palpable, small reminders of the
human state we shared.
so lovely
loving

and so difficult to show up to enjoy it when you're living it.

we often joked that Tony had a great honeymoon and
i wouldn't know.. 'cause I didn't go on the same trip.
And sometimes I think that happened.. often during our years.
But then, that is marriage and that is loving and pushing and scraping toward
the next stage of living.

and i look at those pictures and i recognize myself still
though I guess others don't see the same person.
that is the luxury of longtime loving.
T saw that young person, the soul behind it
and I saw him the handsome beauty man always.
that is good,
that is what our partners hold for us-- the image of our beauty that
the skin and flesh hold for a while but then
the image goes into the soul and the aura of the loved one and
that is what we see-- that aura we carry with us and that's a great thing
because things aren't quite as cute on the flesh level as they once were.
ah well--
i have been seen. at least once and that is such an honor.
may you all have the same joy.
and may that beauty follow you all the days of your life.
me, too.

xxoo
s

The Grief Recovery Handbook

..so, in this excellent little volume
it tells us lots of things we know and eschews
the pat on the back and huge deep eyes of understanding
that continue to swim around in dreams, a little like
Sargeant Pepper and the Boys.

there is an exercise that suggests that one develop
a Loss Graph. that is, draw a line from your first conscious memory
until now and note the years in which major loss has occurred.
and see what your relationship to loss might be
and how these reactions have calcified and made you
into the oddly twisted person you may be at the moment.
phew-- there are lots of them-- for us all, i suppose
and what about political loss-- like GW, and the loss
we experienced when someone we love was losing big?
and then there is the loss you experience which is good--like weight?
the paper is black with scratchings.
i haven't read the next chapter yet, where they tell you how to complete
all that loss and presto! all is well.

i will tell you that i know T is good and happy.
i will tell you that we as a family had the gift of time
and sharing and our community to get us ready for this shift.
i will tell you that the transition seems right somehow and
sometimes bearable.. but mostly when in the house.
when i leave the house, for anything, that's when things get wobbly.
and now i understand agoraphobia, good for me!

our Sof is processing. tougher for her,
tools different, time different, soul different.
we are working on it together.

at the beach on Sunday morning with the gorgeous nieces and company
i caught sight of myself walking in the wind in T's leather coat
and there was an old woman there, alone, a little plump
the old aunt
seated at the table with the youngsters and there was a slice of
a future i am not choosing-- the kindness of strangers
one has to fight for vitality and the right to live
strong, independent, choosing life
rather than broken and a fifth wheel
oooh
not good

and then there was the Tarot reading from FLower
on the beach, started in the Haight, she says,
rings full of fingers, black roots erupting from her addled head
her stubby silver clad fingers, clutching the Virginia Slim
and enormous styrofoam cup of ice and the message was good and she
looks at me, this pile of flesh and history and says, Yeah honey,
we're about the same age-- and what has her journey been and where is it going?
and me too
and Her husband calls on her cell during the reading,
"hi babe" he says to this pyramid of moosh and
i realize the luxury of familiarity again.
okay okay

loss , familiarity, habit, adventure
they are all entwined.
large ropey creatures we are
now, just not to choke on the twists and turns

all is well

hello out there

shifting shifting
i can actually feel the energy shifting in the house
little by little
the first memorial candle is out
the flowers , so glorious in first blush, are starting to wilt
and we are doing the little things.
replacing the table cloth with a clean one and moving the smaller table
now enough for us two
back to the center of the dining room
i once thought small and
now know to have been the scene of the most expansive of celebrations.

the chicken barbecued on the grill
is burnt
T did that
and the trash cans, those too I pulled in by myself tonight
and new habits for sof
how to dine with mom , her sweet desire to make me feel okay
but she has not completed a full meal at the table since she hit her teen years
so... the cup of tea after dinner, now with..
audrey. yes, that will be fine.

it is not crushing
this readjustment
it is odd and hollow at times
and in yoga class opening the heart chakra was a killer
but according to the Grief Recovery Handbook
which my friend Michael was quick with,
the true grief is with the unfinished conversation
the doubt lingering
the odd ripping of the fabric when unprepared.
yes, there is all that
but not as much , yet, as one would have thought

have not read all the cards and
looked at all the pictures yet
it is inch by inch
but i did receive a card from the surgeon
full of such sad compassion
..." still unclear what happened, but what is clear is that our hearts and prayers are with you."
that is a Zen master struggling with his own heart.

ah me.

so much love still around us but giving us space to take our steps
into the world
seeing who we may be now that we our us
has a cosmic partner.
hmmm

i wonder if anyone is reading...
it feels quiet
quiet
with the feeling that there are scurrying footsteps
behind the scenes moving things around
rearranging the energy so that the next scene can play itself out.

hmmmm
good night for now.
sleep well
we shall see if the silk of sleep
is ready to soothe us for another night.

blessings to all

..the first day of the rest of my life

odd
now hollow
strange but simple
day of being a person
sof home, cuddling in with tv
audrey
stillness
fingers and toes done, then
back to work
strong in the house feeling the energy dripped into the walls
and faint
as we ventured steps away
here and there
errands
tonight a rehearsal for reading of my play BOUNTY OF LACE
which will be read at the Comparative Drama Conference Friday afternoon.
here are the details if you'd like to come:
Friday March 28
4:45 PM in the Redondo Beach Room
Radisson Westside Hotel in Culver City
6161 W. Centinela Blvd. (near the 405 Freeway and the Bridge Shopping Center/ Cinema)
Admission is free for this one event.

out of body
out of mind
xxoo
s

and so it goes

.. so many people
the back garden like a catering hall
and every night for seven nights
enough buzz and energy to light up the city of Manhattan
for a year or two.
and tonight, too
another blast of beauty with the last night of shiva and
the basketball boys showing up
and ilene and joy from GREASE days and
more food and more friends and more flowers
and more music
and then, we walked, sofie and i, me barefoot
she strolling on my arm,
we walked with audrey the dog
in front of us
around the corner ending shiva and back to life...
and as we rounded the corner Audrey (our dog)
began to snarl and bark at other dogs behind bars
and we rounded the other corner to head back and there was
the parking police ticketing everyone
everyone everyone on the block
and much to do
and much plummeting from the earthly realms back to reality
Tone is ready to jettison himself further upward
already gone there i bet
not around to fix parking tickets and
barking dogs and piles of uneaten cookies
and flowers off their blooms..
and so we begin
sof and i
inch by inch back in the world.

thank you to everyone who has been in touch with us
cards and smiles and songs and calls
thank you for pausing to celebrate a life well lived
thank you for sharing the joy of our lives together now

we will see how we move forward
a little at a time
we have work to do and balance to be found
i will probably continue to not answer the phone or even check messages
so please email me if you'd like to be in touch.

and if i am quiet for a while
that is a good and necessary thing
i have enough smoothed shoulders and kisses
and eyes of loving and sympathy for now to digest
and sof will figure out how to mourn...inch by inch as
we have done thus far.

the Bloc will be back in a week or so
i am doing a reading of Bounty of Lace
my Israeli play about women's response to life in a war zone
this week at a conference at Loyola Marymount
I will prepare the New Play fest at school
and Sof will go on a choir tour
and we will see
we will feel and touch and sink and rise as the breath comes and goes.

if you have a dish or a pot or a pan
once filled with gorgeous gracious food for us all
please come by and pick it up
i will leave everything at the top of the driveway and you can come anytime.

much love
and thanks
from Tony and his family
now changed and full of his heart
for all time

klezmer under the stars

though bob dylan and neil young were more his style
last night cousin betsy and friend michael hecht and
their klezmer band played mournful melodies and
sweet syncopations in the garden under the stars
for our Tone
and more food
and more friends and
easter eggs for isaiah
right along with lilacs on the table and
the sounds of davening and
working women--and men-- in the kitchen
making the food, cleaning the plates,
doing the dishes
turning over the barbecue to my darling friend to cook in T's honor....
sitting on low benches and
soft green chairs
and hearing SPACEBALLS play in the office
where another gaggle of kids gathered for T in their way.

i can feel the shift now
T almost jetissoned(sp?) to the upper realms
but lingering close enough enjoy the party
what a glorious send off

and now tonight
chili and kaddish to come
and more friends and a quieter time, perhaps
and maybe more music? or poetry?
or being together simply
as we wend our way to tomorrow and our walk around the block
ending shiva and beginning the rest of our lives.
come be with us if you can these last two nights
we need you to eat and laugh and enjoy the rich
syrup of love oozing from every corner, refilling our little house
with T's spirit

how grateful i am to you all
for me
for sof
for tone

i have pasted the words of Tony's cousin Shelley so you can hear from
another cousin ..
sooon
soooooon
soooooooooon
we will return to our lives
we are winding down and gearing up

we are preparing and we are prepared
much love
s
-----------------------------------------

TRIBUTE TO TONY

TONY’S MOTHER, EVELYN, & MY MOTHER,
CHARLOTTE, WERE 1ST COUSINS. ( MY MOTHER
BEING THE ELDEST). THEIR MOTHERS WERE
SISTERS IN THE LARGE & HANDSOME VICTOR
FAMILY OF BUCHAREST, ROMANIA, WHO CAME TO
PHILADELPHIA IN THE EARLY 1900’S. SOME OF
THE FAMILY THEN MOVED TO LOS ANGELES,
INCLUDING OUR IMMEDIATE FAMILIES.

SO, TECHNICALLY, TONY AND I ARE 1ST COUSINS
ONCE REMOVED. ALTHOUGH WE NEVER DEALT
WITH THE “REMOVED” ASPECT, BUT RATHER, WE
BECAME CLOSER AS WE GREW UP. I, OF COURSE,
HAD A GOOD HEAD START. I WAS AT UCLA WHEN
TONY WAS BORN, IN 1947. BUT AS HE GREW
OLDER THE AGE DISCREPANCY DIMINISHED.

TONY WAS A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WAS VERY
HANDSOME AND TALENTED, AS HE GREW OLDER. I
HAVE SPECIAL RECOLLECTIONS OF HIM, LIKE SNAP SHOTS, OF CERTAIN MOMENTS, SUCH AS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS FRIENDS AT HIS BAR
MITZVAH PARTY IN THE GARDEN ON OAKHURST;
AS WELL AS LIGHTING THE CANDLES AT HANUKAH
LATKAH PARTIES AT THEIR HOUSE; IN HIGH
SCHOOL, PLAYING THE ROLE OF EL GALLO, IN THE
FANTASTICS, WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE; THE IMPRESSIVE BAND, CALLED THE PLAYBOYS, HE PUT TOGETHER., PLAYING DRUMS AT THAT TIME. HE HAD A NATURAL TALENT WITH INSTRUMENTS, AS WELL AS A GOOD VOICE.

WHEN HE WENT INTO THE THEATER, RAY AND I
FOLLOWED HIM, LIKE GROUPIES -- TO THE WEST COAST REPORTORY THEATER, THE LOS ANGELES MUSIC CENTER, LONDON AND NEW YORK.

ON OUR FIRST TRIP TO EUROPE IN 1970, WITH ALL
OF OUR KIDS, WE MET TONY FOR DINNER IN
LONDON. AS HE WAS THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT
TOWN, WORKING IN THE THEATER THERE, HE
CHOSE THE RESTAURANT, AND, IT WAS A GOOD
ONE.

THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF OUR GASTRONOMIC
ADVENTURES TOGETHER. WHEN WE WOULD BE IN
NEW YORK AND HE WAS WORKING THERE, WE
WOULD ALWAYS MEET FOR DINNER. THIS HAS
CONTINUED HERE IN L.A. OCCASIONALY, WITH
TONY & SUSAN, AS WELL.

TONY WAS THE MAIN PROMOTER OF THE FAMILY
MOTHER’S DAY PICNICS OVER THE YEARS. WHICH
WERE ALWAYS FUN, SOMETIMES INCLUDING A
BASKETBALL GAME. AND WE HAVE SHARED MANY
FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNERS AS WELL. EITHER AT
THEIR HOUSE OR OUR HOUSE.

FAMILY HAS ALWAYS BEEN IMPORTANT TO TONY,
OUR FAMILY OF COUSINS, AS WELL AS HIS
WONDERFUL FAMILY OF FRIENDS, WITH WHOM I
HAVE BECOME BETTER ACQAINTED, AND HAVE
COME TO APPRECIATE, MORE RECENTLY.

THE TRADITION OF YOUNGER COUSINS GROWING
UP TO OLDER COUSINS HAS HAPPILY CONTINUED
WITH MY SONS, RON & FINN DEVELOPING STRONG
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH TONY,
THEMSELVES.

AS SUCCESSFUL AS TONY WAS IN THE THEATER, (I
ALWAYS WONDERED WHY HE WASN’T
“DISCOVERED” A LA JOHN TRAVOLTA, AS A YOUNG
MAN, HE WAS SO TALENTED AND HANDSOME BUT,
OH WELL… ) ACTUALLY, HE HAS BEEN EVEN MORE
SUCCESSFUL IN HIS REAL ESTATE CAREER HE
SEEMED TO BE A NATURAL AT IT. HE HAS WON
ALL KINDS OF AWARDS, WAS AT THE TOP OF HIS PROFESSION, AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE TOOK PLEASURE IN HIS SUCCESS

ALL THROUGH THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, THERE
WAS A FLURRY OF SOCIAL ACTIVITY IN TONY’S LIFE. HE WAS TAKEN TO CELEBRATORY DINNERS AND LUNCHES IN BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING
PLACES, TO LAKERS GAMES, AND EVERYTHING
ELSE ONE COULD THINK OF. HE THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED AND APPRECIATED EVERY MOMENT OF
IT.

HE HAD A GREAT CAPACITY TO ENJOY THE GOOD
THINGS IN HIS LIFE, GOOD FOOD AND WINE, INCLUDED. HE LOVED TRAVELING, AND
ADVENTURING, AS WELL. FROM HIKING THE INCA
TRAIL AT MACHU PICHU; TO TONY & SUSAN’S
HONEYMOON IN SUCH EXOTIC PLACES AS
MOROCCO, BALI, AND JAVA, WHERE THEY VISITED WITH COUSINS & COMPOSERS, LARRY POLANSKY & JODY DIAMOND, INVOLVED WITH INDONESIAN MUSIC;
TO THEIR TRIP LAST SUMMER TO THE
GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, WHEN HE E-MAILED HIS CLIENTS “THE ECONOMIC FORECAST” REPORT FROM THE PLANE, EN ROUTE.

AND, HE LOVED ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE, HIS FAMILY AND GOOD FRIENDS.

OF COURSE, HE ADORED SUSAN & SOFI. HE WAS SO PROUD AND SUPPORTIVE OF ALL OF SUSAN’S TALENTS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. AND HE WAS EXTREMELY PROUD OF THE MATURE, LOVELY AND BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN SOFI HAS BECOME.

TONY WAS AN APPEALING, LOVABLE, QUALITY
PERSON OF GREAT INTEGRITY. THOUGH WE WILL ALL MISS HIM GREATLY, HE WILL LIVE ON FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS.



SHELLY KAPPE
MARCH 15, 2008

resurrection sunday

...so, it's Easter and just down the boulevard at the Hollywood Bowl
they are singing to raise the dead..

our shiva is continuing
last night a beautiful mournful clarinet
and friends and family and food
and dying Easter eggs in the fountain and
ricotta cheese cake and starting to cull the wilting flowers
from the many many bouquets
and some departures--
my brother who stood as a tower next me as I started to list like Pisa
having to say the first kaddish
and the Berkeley boys into men who are the true spirit of T
more than any others and the once merely depressed P
now morphed into a man of joy and science and spirit,
investigating the soul and what gives us those spirits
that make us who we are

and changing the sheets on which T last slept
finally
with my women who knew just how to bless our marriage bed
with sage and soft voices and the release of spirit
the light of comfort

and finally, a walk on the beach
with family all together
and laughter in the living room
and our little house full of us all together
so much comfort, so much joy, so much fuel for the transition
too beautiful
too grateful
and Monday the Klezmer band plays
and Tuesday we finish up and take a walk around the block and block
and so we begin a anew
thank you everyone for mourning with us
my god we are so fortunate

i go now to offer some pies to the kids at Covenant House on Easter Sunday
and then swim and return to pray
join us if you can
s

and below are words from friend Bob.
you need to read them--


In Honor of Tony Shultz
by Bob Tzudiker
We think of Tony as the personification of gentleness. But you would not feel that way if you were a wedge of cheese. Especially a soft cheese. Brie lived in fear of Tony.

I would always marvel at Tony’s approach to a cutting board. His whole being became purposeful, he would flow toward that cheese, not with greed or gluttony, but with the same sense of purpose as a river flowing towards its own mouth. That’s how Tony would flow toward that poor cheese.

Once he arrived at the cutting board, Tony would pick up the knife, but he used it as a shovel – gracefully, delicately, he’d carve off a spade full of that cheese. He had no respect for crackers; he’d inundate them, disappear them under a small mountain of cheese. And all of it would be gone in a second, at once both genteel and voracious.

Tony was serious about all his pleasures. Very serious. For all his many talents, pleasure was his true art. He made it profound, a form of worship.

One of the hard things about being alive is when you realize that something will never be again. It’s such a peculiar feeling, and we all share it now - that sweet sting of appreciation of what will never be again. I will never again see Tony eat cheese. But that doesn’t mean he can’t still be my guru of appreciation. To Tony, a fine meal was brushed with immortality.

resting resting blessed

thank you for blessing Tony with your love and celebration.
if you were not with us in person yesterday--
over 400 people strong--
you were there in spirit -- faces floated at me
such joy and beauty
and i come away from yesterday and into today with the knowledge that
T accomplished what he was after.
he made a place for himself in the world.
he made a positive impact
he affected people's lives

i woke to a garden full of flowers
and a trickle of friends here during the day
bearing chinese donuts and receiving Hawaiian shirts for safe keeping.
we are sitting shiva here at the house at 7 every night thru Tuesday
food at 5
please come join us as we continue to process this transition
letting go of old habits and welcoming the new somehow
struggling to create new and stronger ways of being
rather than sinking back into painful patterns that have taken their toll on all of us.
such is growth
such is survival and
what is necessary to flow with grace from one epoch to another

i have pasted both my speech and my daughter, sofie's, for you to read.
i will continue to write as makes sense
if you'd like to hear of our progress and healing for a little time at least.
there are CD's of the ceremony available if anyone would like one.
please email me and let me know.

blessings and thanks
S

==========================================================
Hello friends
If you have yet to meet the person sitting next to you
Please turn to them and catch their eye,
let them feel your hand on theirs
Mark them as a sign upon your heart and upon your soul
For they are the stuff of the community
to which we belong
For we have traveled-- certainly the last part—
of this road together
And for this I am enormously grateful
and truly honored.
And you have more than my thanks.

I learned from my partner, my friend
The man of my dreams and delight of my eyes
I learned that such people as you exist
I learned that there is goodness and hope
There is yes instead of steady no
I have learned that love shows itself in the strangest of places
And in the secret madness of familiarity
and the arrogant contempt for time.

I have learned that loving is complex and fierce
and leaving and returning
And steadily stubbornly every day saying yes
And I am so endlessly sad that I must now cull and quantify the lessons and loving learned in this part of my beautiful life
With my beautiful man-
Now, I build memory upon memory into the new beginning of the rest of my days.
With our gorgeous and strong daughter
And whatever adventures we may encounter.

I should tell you, too, that in the last two months
The months that we really thought his life was ending—only to be bushwhacked by hope—in those months of scotch and ice cream and hilarity and joy we found each other again and Tony found himself—because of all of you. He felt his worth, his life’s work palpable in your love and expressions of support. My god what a gift- to know and feel your worth—and I know and feel he finally ingested that final masterstroke to his beauty.

Tony Shultz—my husband and companion of 27 years-- was beauty, incarnate.
I drew pleasure and delight from his java chip ice cream to his two tone saddle shoes
From the sports cars that never worked
to the years of trails we traveled on faraway continents
and on the journey of our spirits.
,,,,From the feel of his skin.
I have been honored to be his wife, his friend, his fellow traveler.

Juliet spoke of her Romeo:
“And when he shall die
take him and cut him up into little stars
for he shall make the face of heaven so bright
that all the world will be in love with night and
pay no more tribute to the garish sun.”

I carry his heart. I carry it in my heart.

********************************************************************************



Sofie Shultz

The past three months have been both terrifying and incredible. The news of my dad’s illness was shocking and scary, but we all stood together to support each other. But I say it was incredible because of the things I felt compelled to say to my father. Things that normally I would not have said. I got to ask him what he wanted me to be, and where I should go. To ask him what I should do for him to be proud of me forever. He told me that whatever I did, as long as I wanted to do it and be it, and was happy, that he would be proud of me. With a shortened amount of life and the thought that your parents will live forever, urged me to tell him I’d miss him for the special things in my life that he wouldn’t get to be here for: graduation, college, walking me down the aisle. Things I really wanted him to be there with me for. His response is one that will live forever with me: I want to be there for you just as much as you want me to be there.
My dad lived with the finest things. He was a jaguar man, my Disneyland dad.
Being home for the past few days have given me the chance to look around and examine the life he lived; just as he did. All the artifacts, the art, the music, the love that fills our house now shows the wonderful life he lived. It truly was a beautiful life.
I miss him. But he will never be gone. I know that he wanted to be here, to see me grow up, and so he will never leave my side.
He gave me strength, us strength, in our sorrow. And showed me that I am strong, even when I don’t feel I am.
Thanks, dad. As my grandma evie said, it’s been a beautiful life.

spinning spinning and new details

at 6 am today i found myself on the set of
a bizarre and wonderful vampire
television series whispering sweet nasties into the face
of a grown and
now blond anna paquin
yes, my husband not yet settled in heaven
my daughter not yet returned from Rome
the legions of lovers marching toward us as we head toward
our conflagration of love and sadness celebrating
the beauty of my partner and our friend.
don't ask--

it was friday. he was so uncomfortable.
still barely speaking
drinking little, eating nothing
sucking oxygen
"tony, monday i do that vampire thing. shall i do the vampire thing>"
his eyes roll, disgusted
"of course. yes. do the vampire thing."

and our sof calls from the airport as she steps on a plane for Rome
her great adventure and i translate for her Dad
"have a spectacular time sweetheart. enjoy your wonderful adventure.
i love you. you are a terrific girl and i am so very proud of you."
"i love you daddy.:
"I love you sweetheart".

the simplicity of endings.
the banality of bliss.

all these things spinning spinning
and the wind whipping us to the west
a long drive with keith jarrett, wailing in the wind
in tony's audi today, blessedly alone, windy and trying to hard to fit the wind--
friends in the twilight
eating chopped liver and jumbalaya
58 messages on my email.

planning the funeral yesterday
the funeral director telling us we can really get a better deal on real estate if we
bury T in Simi Valley
"half the prince and no freeway noise"
i turn to my sweet friend jacqueline,
and no beat missed she replies" location, location location"
and we melt hysterical, howling amidst caskets and professional
death sitters waiting for tips for reciting psalms in the night with
newly dead, not yet welcome and ready for heaven.

and it goes on and on

THE FUNERAL IS AT MT SINAI MEMORIAL PARK
ON FOREST LAWN DRIVE IN BURBANK
AT 11:45 AM THURSDAY

then, YOU ARE INVITED TO JOIN US AT THE MULHOLLAND
TENNIS CLUB FOR SANDWICHES AND COFFEE AND FURTHER CELEBRATION
OF TONY'S LIFE.

there are so many planning to come from far and near
so do come, and introduce yourself to the person next to you
and share a story and a smile and do one good deed a day in Tony's memory
and all will be well.

THE FUNERAL CAN ONLY BE 45-50 MINUTES LONG
SO, WE WILL HAVE TIME FOR ONLY A FEW SPEAKERS AT THE FUNERAL.
WE WILL HAVE A MIKE AT THE TENNIS CLUB AND ANYONE WHO CARES TO SHARE MORE STORIES
AT THAT TIME WILL BE WELCOME.


i hope that covers everyone.
my sweetheart has still not called
not shown up to take the dog for a ride in his convertible
he is so oddly absent while still with me
breathing the angels breath now and charming the gatekeepers.
my god, how can we be without him
we now must do his work of goodness each and every one of us.

i picked up Rafaella from the top of the hill
as she struggled not to stumble heading down to Franklin for the bus today.
and she told me she was Rafaella
and she asked me who i was.
"YOu drive me down the hill. Who are you so nice person?"
"Tony, I am," i said. And I was, in his name.

see you thursday
come early
there will be many of us.
love

this thursday at 12 noon

dear friends

we will gather at the Mt Sinai Mortuary
on Forest lawn Drive just before you hit the 134 and the back end of Griffith Park.

12 noon thursday
tony will be there and you can see him if you choose to
i feel it is important for me to see the body
and feel him gone
feel the closure of his departure
but if you feel otherwise, please do not feel you need to come forward
during this time there will be music from his nephen Max Williams on Tony';s guitar and
also from cousin betrsy and frieend michael hechts klexzmer band
kewish new orleans style perhaps

we will begin the ceremony at noon
then you are all invited back to our home in hollywood
we will start shiva and sit thru sunday evening
gathering most late afternoons and evenlings and whenever you'd like to come by

my love to you all
and i look forward to meeting those friends of tony that
i have yet to meet

please do spread the word to friends and colleagues
tony would love it if all the seats were filled!
much love and
many many thanks
susan

the great sadness of the ides of march

dearest friends
this you will not believe
there is such sadness and surprise
today

t came home from the hospital
on tuesday evening,
he was doing well though in a great deal of pain.
he was nauseous
so nauseous and in such pain
but strong, fortified
ready to live

but then there was shortness of breath
and the nausea didn't subside
and there was no sleep
no rest to be had
around every corner there was pain and
illness and it was a difficult few days

and we went to the doctors and he made it thru that
and the nausea would not leave him
and he needed so to rest
and he could find no rest and then finally
i got him compazine and there were the other things he needed
and finally last night after many tries
i settled him in our bed, the pillows stacked nad puffed to support him
so he could breathe and perhaps allay the nausea
and he closed his eyes,
and good i thought
i thought oh good, relief,
and i lay with him for a little but he
kept startling
so i closed the door slightly and told him
i was going to rest and i went into the other room and lay down and
i checked on him at midnight and then at 2 and at 4 and at 4 he
was lying on his side, curled up, oxygen on, his eyes closed and
i thought oh good, to rest, to sleep at last and
then i checked on him at 6 and at 8 and he was still sleeping and
at 9:15 again and then the sunlight was streaming in the window and
he was grey, green and cold so cold to the touch
and i closed the door and thought i cannot see him breathing
and he was not breathing
and i called for him and i held him
and i shook him and he was gone and
i called 911
and he was gone and they told me to try CPR but
he was gone and i called to him and he was gone
and his face was peaceful and his eyes were closed and
our darling tony
our friend
our love our stellar man of integrity
and truth
our Tony Shultz was gone.

bushwahacked i think
surprised to go in his sleep.
not expecting it but peaceful on his face.
they say righteous men die in their sleep
and so our T

9:15 AM, the ides of MArch 2008.
he is gone
and we are here
and we are weeping and feeling the wind sweep the skies

the hearse took him away at exactly 11 AM and the bells
yes actually really
the bells rang out as he went down the street
wrapped in our quilt that i made of silk scarves from the
van gogh exhibit so long ago and his first hawaiian shirts

our darling friends
our beloved community
our Tony is gone.

sof is in italy and we must bring her home
with her cousin by wednesday and
we will probably gather to celebrate Tony and his life
on Friday of this next week.

and we will sing and weep and
celebrate our darling man
as the winds sweep the sky and
the sun showers speak to me to tell me that he is safe
though sad to be far away.
so very sad that he is far away

my love to you all.
my heart is yours.
more news will follow

sh-h-h-h-h
breathe for us
for yourselves
news will be here

amen

the slant of the late afternoon sun

..just dappled
truly, like in those poems.
the slanted afternoon light, dappled by the leaves
fell so softly thru our bedroom windows,
the jasmine scent wafted in to cushion the scene
and T took a deep sigh and got into our bed
around 5 this afternoon.
and has been sleeping
sleeping
sleeping thru the sunset and brisket
left by excellent elves for dinner.

so we are home and gathered, our threesome.
resting, resting resting
grateful
sh-hh-h-h-h-h

sofie is readying herself for ten days in Rome with
her girlfriend (poor child)
and we will settle back into our rhythm here.

T cannot speak yet
and is still not ready for visits
and i am buried in paperwork and catching up
but i do need some help with sitters in the next weeks now and then
so if you're free and want to volunteer to just be here
no chatting, just being here
just let me know
by email
and i will see if i can slip you into a slot.

please do make contact before just dropping in.

so many thanks for all your help.
s

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh..........!

lymph nodes clear

recovery
recovery
recovery

radiation
radiation

interferon
interferon and on on on on and

life straight ahead.

omigod
i have to get back to pilates class.

xxoo
s

MAGNIFICENCE, A TRIBUTE

As we all know, or we learn as we grow, we absolutely
cannot move through a full life without the interaction and
weaving of lives.
And being a bossy woman,
I admire many others of the same ilk.....
say,Hillary Clinton--
(it's why she'll be a great bossy president that we need
but that's another thing)

but because i admire bossy women I seek out, revere and learn enormous
amounts from the legions of enormously valuable and well tested women
(and men too) who have gathered round us and linked fingers and toes and
humor and fierceness and said:
"Fuck you! We're here and we're going nowhere.
We have seen children born with neurological challenges, and husbands transferring body fluids from cell to cell and wars fought illegally and protested. we have born children near and far, dealt with addictions, lost parents and lovers and siblings and friends, lived through divorce, met long lost fathers and mothers after years of no contact, we have done the right thing
and the only thing and true thing--
and we have taken the messy consequences
and we are standing strong and firm and defiant..
and it's no big deal.
it's what we do."

these fierce women( and men) of our community.

i am deeply moved by that
by this weaving of fabric that each of us
contributes to with humor and grace and toughness
and clear eyes and soup and sympathy
and tough talk and house cleaning and
new dishes and fabulous flowers and all the things that are necessary
now-- at this time-- at all times.

we are a community that knows whats necessary and
tony and i and sof count ourselves as one with this
community
and we are honored to receive and to give all those things.

this morning a few of these honored magnificent ones gathered
to shout politics and diets and opinions at each other
while my fabulously growing daughter sat and got what it is
to be a magnificent woman.. and that was really something.
i am grateful
but more than that-- i am charged-- we are charged
at this time of our lives
with the responsibility of being true and full
and we have taken this on
together
and this mantle is no small thing.

we need to feel this feeling of being one
and heaving ourselves together and apart up and through
we are all honored to simply be doing what needs to be done
and that is extraordinary.

i never believed it possible.
it is what our marriage has given me.
hmmm

okay

i arrived a hospital to see Tony still here
ministered to by yet another beautiful friend
and we are on the road.
yes, indeed.
it gets simpler every day

okay then.
count on me.
we are still walking the marathon.
pathology report back but we won't know what it says til tomorrow.
i had almost forgotten that there was more to this than just postoperative resurrection.

stay tuned
love
s

RIP VAN WINKLE AWAKES!

....yes. he is back.

wondering where he has been the last 9 days
finally emerging from the fog of ill administered drugs
everything from the misplaced epidural during surgery
to the removal of a longtime med causing a severe
drug withdrawal reaction that sent him spinning into
outer space for almost 48 hours with NO RESPONSE from
the UCLA Psych team, or T's less than gracious
psychiatrist-- but even with wonderful response
from insider doctors and friends of friends doctors
and my screaming and threatening and raging at the
jerks and the nurses requesting help -- still NOTHING to help
T for 48 long hours.... long long hours of looking at the clock
and listing the items in the room
and ....
no matter
or matter for lawsuits only...
now, to revel in his return

his opinions returning, requests,
and restlessness for return of full health
all possible
all good
all reasonable
and then they tried to put him back on delusional meds yesterday when he
was feeling fine!
now who's cuckoo and what nest are we talking about?

no. now just tylenol for pain, and it's working fine thank you.

and i am just left fuming
but....
had a good massage today and am moving on.
yeah right.

okay. the news.
Tony is getting through the crisis.
He has two tubes left that are still leaking air
so he is not quite ready to come home.
They are suggesting Tuesday -ish.
We are beginning low level visits this week at the hospital.
Check in to let me know if you'd like to stop by.
No word on pathology yet but frankly, that's fine .
No more input needed for now.
The wheels are still spinning from this latest speed away from disaster

Attention must be paid, friends.

,,,,,i hardly know

...how to begin to tell you what that the last
two and half days have been like.
suffice to say there has been high drama,
low comedy and major confrontation with bureaucratic authority.
unfortunately, or fortunately-- one must be a warrior advocate for a loved one
while in a hospital.

this does not make one the winner of Ms Congeniality.
it does make one suspect to the bureaucracy
it does help enormously to have a loud mouth
New York shoulders and a sincere thank you and smile
it does help to yelp and wail at authorities and
rattle as many buckets and bells as you can without getting arrested.
it does help to love the person you are going to bat for fiercely
it does help to store up brownie points with those in the power structure who can help resolve a matter.. but also to know that it makes little difference in major entrenched institutions

there are structures in place in UCLA to deal with problems
but unfortunately the wheels are slow and
full of shit and false smiles and
basically -- in our case, they hospital came up a day late and a dollar short n T's latest healing crisis.

thanks instead to the noble efforts of floor nurses
who helped him thru the nights
kind care partnersm who mopped his brow and bathed him sweetly
a zen like surgical team, who appreciated the silence he chose for awhile
Evelyn and Mickey Shultz up in heaven for whatever they were doing
and a good dose of fuck you-- touch him again and i'll kill you
from his gentle and well mannered spouse

my god
where goes gentilty when one fights to protect
someone you love from an unseen foe
and frankly i began to feel as paranoid as my sweet nut case husband
after a while

but..... NoW
today T slept for the first time in five days
he is walking
talking
making more sense
beginning to rest and make progress and
my job is to keep him safe until i can get him home

man oh man


with all best intentions things happen
risk is everywhere
they're making lists
checking them twice.... sound familiar???

how's that for persistent mystery
xxoo
s

turned a corner

am too tired to write
but we have turned a corner today
and i think things will steadily improve
stay tuned
xxoo
s

rough riding at ronald reagan

did you know that UCLA Med Center is the Ronald Reagan Medical Center?

what is the difference between getting an airport named for you
or a hospital.
something to be pondered at a later date

it is now thursday and the last 48 hours have been
immensely challenging

the good news is that the surgeon removed two of the four chest tubes
this morning.
the heart is still in A fib and that remains challenging
but blood pressure seems to be okay and his physical strength is returning.
walked the halls twice today and sat in his chair most of the afternoon.

the mood still is enormously troubling

stemming from the Klonapin withdrawal,
the dilaudid , the stress etc.
he has not slept for several nights.
i worked today and understand that he didn't speak all day
which frankly is not so bad after several days of restless
and delusional talk. who was it said that the drugs were great?
hmmm.

they are now working on getting his mood stabilized.
he is calm, too calm,
saying little,watching everything,whispering to me
in private only. more than the regular delusional stuff from dilaudid.
we are into another realm at the moment of quiet and watchful
paranoia. and now complete and utter exhaustion which may work to his advantage finally
and allow him to sleep.

we still have sitters to stay with him when i can not be there and
a few close pals cover him as well quietly remaining as anchors
during this odd and fluid time.

probably at least another 4-5 days here but
i will try to get him strong enough to get him outside on the plaza
to get a little sun and feel a little wind on his skin over the weekend.

he has always been a guy who needs sunshine.

xxoo

extreme makeover shultz merson edition

it was a day of many masks
happy sad and sanguine

lots of good angel friends
there in an instant to cover T during
two appointments today and
last night too when i had to go home

he was distraught and very anxious last night

and seems to be having that problem
sundowners .. know that one-- happens in the eve
to folk-- i know it only too well from years with my mom--
anxiety more pronounced in evening and after a day of wonderfully creative hallucinations for T-- it is been pretty exhausting for the boy.


jane reports that there was a Jerusalem Summit in the room
this morning before i got here and she was covering..
and it was a good thing too
because when i did arrive after my morning appointment
T says: "Isn't that something?"
""Yes, indeed....", waiting for the punchline, I.
"I'm the president." he says.
"Really."
"We have to move to the White House, Susie."
"Okay, " I say. "As long as I don't have to host any teas."

and various other stripes appearing throughout the day
his brain constantly at work trying to figure himself out
thru the fog of delaudid and other meds
and breathing treatments and all of that--
preventing him from resting much and
enjoying the fact
that dr. cameron came in and said that he is healing nicely and
hopefully he will have a tube out on thursday and another soon after.
good news indeed.

mickey covered in the afternoon when i hurried to another appointment
passing the waiting families in the waiting area downstairs,
stern sentinels, camped out wondering how they got there,
making the chairs all their own for today
only to relinquish them to the next group of waiting families
the next day and the next.

such are hospitals and when they work well , as does this one,
they are also peopled by smart faces, right there, attentive and strong.
they hear us and see us and it has made a great difference in this journey.
the nursing staff has been remarkable. the heart girls, as tony calls the thoracic. cardiac doctors who make morning rounds ( only one lone male intern-- t always partial to smart pretty girls), the pain team, the cameron magic makers, the residents and care partners. there are a lot of good hearts around here with open ears, good hearts.

and returning here to the hospital after getting a call from my agent
telling me i GOT one of the jobs i have been auditioning for
in order to assure us health insurance from now til then
since T is no longer insurable by new carriers and i am not vested at Cal State and
so the cobra there will leave us high and dry if I lose that job with state cuts

and me WEEPING in the car, when my agent told me the news
after leaving yet another audition-- the third in three days--
the third after nothing for over a year!
these appointments
being set up by a wonderful old friend
who has made calls on my behalf to other casting folk

to get me the appointments after all this time -- the agents, the casting people i have worked with diffidently and defensively
for twenty something years
all heaping rewards on my plate
coming thru like champs
and i started to WEEP like those people on
Extreme Makeover Home Edition

because my husband DOES have cancer, ( blubber blubber)
and he IS in the hospital totally wrecked, ( blubber)and
we ARE looking at some rocky days ahead ( WAIL WEEP)
and i am so DEEPLY GRATEFUL to everyone who is helping us so much

and I just lost it on the phone in my husbands car
like those people on the TV program that I am always so embarrassed watching
while Michael my agent-- just like that guy on Queen for A Day used to do-- told me he got me a good rate, and a great dressing room and I was on the road toward insurance...
well... you can imagine

and then i was back at the hospital and
Tony has been shifting and restless all night
and just now tried to make a beeline to the bathroom and
got himself tangled in all the wires.... and, let's see there were four or five folk in here trying to fix that.....

well-- that's enough for now.
we are continuing to make it with a lotta help
from all of our friends.
man oh man
love and thanks and good night

rough waters steady sailing

today was a real tough one
the pain seems to be managed but the desperate details
are making themselves known.

had to come home last night to spend time with sof
and T was confused and a sad isolate
when i got back there this
morning.
he is disoriented with anyone else still


terrible time finding veins for IVs
efforts totalling over an hour and a half- and too many technicians
but finally the masterful Evelyn ( do we think the angels were at work there)
and Obed managed to get the new lines in and the blood out

yesterday they decided that there were
too many drugs and sedatives so
they decided that
the panic meds had to go and
that of course resulted in-- guess what-
yes, of course
panic

after much clear but measured insistence to all involved
(in case you don't know me i am understating here)
including patient relations and various others
we got the klonapin back and that helped to soothe
the rough waters
hopefully-

they had to do a blood transfusion-- hence the new Iv lines
and that is now done and we shall see if that helps.
otherwise the rest of the stuff seems to be balancing a bit
but it is like riding a rough sea in a steady ship

the captain and mates are doing what they can to keep
the passengers safe and secure
despite mighty waves and resulting nausea..
something like that--

i hope he can rest and sleep thru the night as
i think i can only be at one place at one time
perhaps i should suggest that my daughter and/or
my husband should hallucinate me
allowing me to double
and show up wherever seems best.

okay, tomorrow i have a few appointments and will be in and out
of UCLA and that will correspond with a better day for T
i sure hope

i have Thursday coverage for T when I go to Fullerton to teach
and not sure when he will be home but probably not til end of week if then.

he still needs to sit up in a chair a bit more
keep the lungs clearing
walk the long halls
eat a full meal
breathe without oxygen
keep his blood pressure up on his own
have a better blood count
make friends with the tall black man in the white robes

he watches the clock- minute by minute
informing me how long it has been since he has slept
and how many minutes until the next meal which he isn't eating.
and wondering who is singing to him in the silence
i'd like to know that myself

we are making progress
i am tempting him with ice cream
he is a mighty warrior and doing what he can
the dox are in there too
as well as nurses and care partners
it;s a good effort and we shall see how it continues

and then... if this was the whole thing...
haven't even contemplated what comes next..
nope- not tonight
inch by inch
we are indeed getting by with a great deal of help
from our friends
blessings all round
s

sunday morning 10:30 Am

well--- day started a little better with T managing to sit up in a
chair for about ten minutes and a pretty good breakfast
but he is in such pain and still quite loopy.
pouring sweat, all of that
latest visitor--from the other realms-- is tall large black man in white robes who
seems to be seated near by, nodding every now and then. he says others keep poking their heads in to say hello

all the dox have been thru and they will continue to keep
an eye on everything
keep the fluids draining
the heart beating a little less wildly
and the blood pressure up-- see, if he would have had higher blood pressure to start
then it would be good it dropped so much.

they weighed him this morning and
i think they said he is carrying up to
ten pounds of extra liquid--

a hospital night of sleep
complete with chest x rays at 4 AM
night nurses giggling with xray techs
too much explanation at every medication or
what ever was needed
that being said, everyone is trying their best to balance all the elements
and hopefully he will be better inch by inch

i stayed with him last night
cousin kb with sof at home
will get a little break this afternoon but he is still
not ready for visitors
next week maybe
much love and thanks for all your messages and prayers
s

mighty pain and meat thermometers

rougher today
got here at hospital by 10:30
they are balancing meds and atrial fib sneaking in
now and then and blood pressure stuff

the pain is mighty and that's the real tale
the Pain Team have their hands full
but they have managed to do fairly well -
the threesome trolling the hall with secret smiles
wielding the magic that everyone craves.

t continues his imitation of a loopy
Marlon Brando in the Godfather..
this from the windy lung not yet adhered to the chest wall
which is where
it is heading to seal--
hard to rest and get comfortable
and not hard to imagine why
when i caught a tasty look at the incision
and the three chest tubes neatly slid into his flesh
like little meat thermometers measuring the heat of the flesh.
ouch. ouch ouch

ate only two things-- you can guess what
raspberry sorbet and raspberry sorbet--
it's a waiting game

not yet ready for human presentation
stay tuned
love
s

the merry prankster and his wife

phew..
okay all
here we go

spent the night waiting for T to come up from recovery
he arrived at the ICU around 3 am with fairly interesting hallucinations
and a fairly interesting tangle of transformer tubes -- dangling at all angles
he kept telling me to "stop the prank now"
and to "get him his guitar" and the i "was a very good actor but
i needed to stop the prank because i was causing him serious pain"-

indeed, there was an understatement. the pain was and is major but
we got one of the magic pumps and that helped last night and now--

it seems his fantasy was that i had rented this hospital set
hired all these people to dress up as doctors
as a birthday prank to surprise him
that there really was no surgery but something had gone terribly wrong
because he was hurting terribly and if i just called off the prank
everything would be just fine. ---
hmmmmm

once i disabused him of that idea
things got sorted out and
i headed home around 8 Am to sleep for a few hours.

back here around 2 and he was moved from ICU into
a teeny tiny double room---
which i got changed into a larger fab room
and like that

josh-- tony's great friend and great doctor-- dropped in to make sure all was okay
the surgeons are on it--- wonderful nurse julie and care partner berenice
everyone has been good

word from the surgeon is that there was no gross evidence of tumor
on the lung itself
we await pathology on lymph nodes
but there was no need for removing any of the lung itself.
excellent news there.

pain is tough
but he is resting now and it seems he is doing just fine.
he'll be here at least til Tuesday and probably no guests til Sunday
so check in with me before you drop in--okay?

so many thanks to the so many of you who are calling and writing and sending love
we are on the road
and as always
i will keep you updated.

all's well that ends well-this eve at least

so the tall and stately dr. cameron
soft handed and softer spoken came forth from the operating
room about ten minutes ago
and the remainder of the surgery went well.
no further problems.
he is breathing on his own and they will keep him in the
recovery room overnight to keep an eye on him
because he had trouble earlier.

i will get a chance to see him in a bit
and then head home to sleep
now
to rest
and heal
and wait for the return of the lymph nodes in about a week

the witness team here all day
staggering out with me in a few minutes or so
no visitors here yet

a quiet day or two until we know how he will heal
and then we will proceed to the next inch.
sleep well
we've made it this far
with a little bit of help from our friends....
on this side and the other
love
xxoo

phew!

okay-- so... it looks like the Pain Team
inserted the epidural catheter in the wrong place..
ooops......... and that seems to have caused the
blood pressure to plummet--
yeah duh.... okay okay
it happens VERY rarely
all of that
no comment...
but T has not awakened and they are going in
to complete the operation at this moment--

pray for better luck this time around
it is now quarter to 5 and
Sofie is coming by for dinner and
I will hang here til T is out of surgery about 10 tonight.

and then hopefully he will awaken refreshed and
renewed..

stay tuned
much love
s

UPDATE MIDDAY

tall doctor cameron with his gentle manner
and diamond stud in his left ear
surprisingly came out
to see me on the patio here at UCLA about
half hour ago,

the operation itself was going well
the tumor was peeling back from the lung nicely
but there is a problem in that tony's blood pressure
is very low
so low that it is not responding to epenepherine
or the other drugs and so low that the doctor did not want
to continue the operation.
so, they have closed tony back up
are keeping him sedated and intubated in the operating room
and are trying to figure out what the problem is.
it may be an allergic reaction to the drugs
in combination
they have no idea

we are in a holding pattern
they are trying to figure out the cause of the problem
before they proceed so they can fix it

it may mean that they will need to wait til the drugs wear off
to figure out what to do
and then go back in to finish the cancer operation when they know.

omigod.
love
stay tuned
s

THE DAY THE MOMENT THE UPDATE LIVE

i think the best bet is to do updates as i have them today:

it was dark at 4: 30 Am when we tooled down Melrose and
debated the possibility of hitting PCH and just keep driving.
but T said, "nope, let's give it a shot"-- and
good he said that 'because once he arrived here at UCLA
he got plenty-- of shots-- of needles that is..
IV's everywhere but a competent crew--
a lotta eager young beavers a la
Grey's Anatomy-

there was a problem with the ProTyme level
that is the level of coagulation in his blood because
he hadn't been told to stop the coumadin (anticoagulant)
early enough-- so.. they had to give him a drip of the
jello stuff to make it all shake and shimmy correctly in his veins

the pain team is quite nice and competent-
and they have nice hats-- green patterns here and there..
there's the uptight, small eye glassed chief watching his underlings like a hawk, the passive Asian pain second ( that's what they call him) who watches everything and nods wisely, then the really smart Sandra Oh with the edge assistant who did most of the sticking. Shultz's Anatomy-- spening now 6 hours with him

they are probably opening him up just about now
and peeling peeling the lining away..

okay
i'm going to lunch
and will check in with you when i ahve more news.
thanks for all the sweet messages
we are fine.
we are begun.

xxoo
s

pre- opening jitters

..forgive the pun but..
we show up at 5 AM tomorrow at UCLA
and surgery to commence at 7:30

we are so very very grateful for the SCORES
of messages of good will and good cheer and
prayer circles and all the great and noble
lofts of love that are floating our way
most especially T's way as we move out of
the celebratory mode to the real deal of survival.

i would be lying if i said there are no jitters
but i also need to tell everyone that
the heaps of ice cream and scotch and love and
joy and gourmet meals et al have changed
T for the good
truly for the good

we all need the boost now and then
of realizing our value in relation to the many
with whom we live and love
and T has received such a strong and steady outpouring
of yes and yes and yes that it has changed and refueled him
for the long and arduous task ahead.

tomorrow we start the long haul
and we will continue the
one inch at a time policy which has served us well--
as the wise cousin betsy said at the beginnng of the road
"this is a marathon" and we are just about to approach the first hill.

so,thank you for your love support friendship and goodness
you are known and acknowledged and you have made our life the
last two months a wonder of strange hope in the midst of madness.

T's afternoon nap of fatigue will give way to longer rests i imagine
but we have no idea what is next except for that we move into it
well cushioned with as much ammo as possible

so, stay tuned to the blog
i will update as often as i can

i won't answer the phone but will return email as best i can

much love

profundis absentia

so, i figure i better check in with everyone
as we close in on the date
yep,despite living and feeling better than he has in a few years
making us really feel the total absurdity of this fact
this thursday
the 28th of feb -- is the date for Tony's surgery.

tony has had a great time the last two months! so much celebrating, two lakers games, a night at Disney Hall, crowds at MOCA, countless bottles of scotch, homemade spaghetti, oscars and pizza and ice cream ice cream ice cream-- gourmet, hand delivered, cheap and fabulous galore. SOOOO many thank yous to all providers. it has been a jolly, chubbifying time-- and, thanks to the careful placement of that talc in his lungs during the biopsy, an easy breathing time as well. and let's not forget that the rhythm gods have restored his heart to sinus rhythm for some reason or other after seven years

so, despite all evidence to the contrary
it is true that T still has a life threatening cancer and
the magic surgeon is going to go in and dig it out by hand

here's a run down again for those who haven't been following the blog.
he goes in thursday, they slice
select a lymph node or two to sample
they sew
he wakes, they rearrange the 4 -6 tubes coming out of him at a tasteful angle
drug him heavily
he goes back to sleep
this goes on for a few yucky days, i am told
then, miraculously, he begins to feel human again
and they move him from one unit to another and he begins the
process of letting his wounds heal and his lung get used to not leaking air.
this can take anywhere from 5-10 days depending on how windy he might or might not be.

then he comes home, sleeps a lot,
rests, chats with friends, watches bad movies
takes more drugs and generally chants to the healing gods to make him feel better--
once that is over--about a month-
then, he goes into radiation
internal sunburns we've been told.
then.... depending on the state of the tasty lymph nodes
he gears up for 4 months of chemo
once that is ALLLLLLLLL OVERRRRRRRRR and he is still standing
(hopefully)
then he goes on interferon every day for the rest of his life.
sound like fun.
you bet.

so, we are in for it
and will proceed as we have proceeded thus far, one inch at a time.

we have plenty of food, thank you.
once tony comes home stay tuned for visiting opps
and so it goes.

sofie had her 17th birthday yesterday.
the guest bathroom is almost finished.
i will be at UCLA during the next week with T.
email is fine. i will not be answering the phone.
but will update the blog every day that there is something to say.

pray for steady hands and great drugs.
xxoo
s