so it's been a week....

...since i've written and was wondering
when i would get back to this
very public very private display
of this very private and yet quite public event.

it has been a month now,
since he's gone and
new tragedies have started crowding the landscapes-
parents with strokes
children with cancer
and the flowers blooming anyway

T told me he checked the blog to see how it was all going


to see how he felt
and what was next and inside ourselves
and he is gone now
and i realize that this blog was his
an expression of him and the way in which he
intersected with his world
and experience.

and i am not him
i am what's left of a part of him

my gash is more gaping perhaps than most
but as i inch along the snail-y trail of tears
i move more and more from him
into myself and

so my words, revelations, abilities to share
discoveries to acknowledge become
more focused and more mine
less, ours


i am not sure of all the ways i will be me
separate from Tony
it is all in the mix at the moment

but it is figuring out the new voice that stops me from
flippantly reporting on internal shifts and
magic elixirs applied as in the Hogwarts infirmary-
poof! you have a new leg.

my new legs, arms, heart are not yet buds
only yet stumps, amputated--bloody, coagulating

and though i look down the hallway toward the light
i am still in the corridor looking backward and forward
paralyzed by then, now and maybe and
the galloping galloping as fast as i can

all of this is to say

hello
i'm getting new

and not sure who will come out the other end of this tunnel
and if walking the damp corridor makes sense
in silence or with friends

so stay tuned if you like
but know the voice is different now

the birds do sing in the dark, thru the night around here
that i do know from the many nights i was up with them
blazing through the night in my garden office

but i am sleeping now
curious
and i just an not sure what i am hearing
and what i have to say

xxoos