I wonder, I just wonder if anyone if out there still.
especially tonight, especially today
the 30th anniversary of my commitment to Tony Shultz.
and 2 and a half years since his transition to his happier state
oh my , the adventure it has been
i have had a lover
what a wonderful year of discovery and rebirth
and finding myself in such a new way
and
timing is everything
he broke with me last night..
acting the fool for both our benefits I suppose
but the ache is enormous and now once again
face to face with loss and the abyss and the aloneliness of the journey
no matter. we are small. our pains less important than i had once thought
our uniqueness less than we had hoped
our destination truly our journey
tonight i am done with the pain of it
meaning the weary, warn, sad, empty
and the deep loss echoes back through my body
a re experiencing of the loss
in a whole new framework...
tedious such challenge
it brings to question the reason why
the nobility of being a fighter.
not sure toward what end?
so the hiatus:
tony has been around quite a bit
showing up in new york, making a great deal in real estate heaven for the new york apartment.
not so apparent for sofie sometimes, but then she is reaching out and the courage to be naked and open to grief is not easily won.
this latest loss, brings up all the others of course for me, no mystery there
and the terror the real terror of being just one of the oh so many women
widowed, alone, divorced at this stage of the game.
so many many.. so much pain dripping from shoulders
and off the Match.com and Jdate sites.
the terminal daters, the men trying desperately to get laid
as well they must..
the smugness of having been a woman with a lover
guilty
now, the spiritual journey is supposed to be for myself
no more dysfunction the teachers say.
no more hiding in a relationship
putting up with crap at the expense of our selfness..
wellllll.. speaking as one who has seen y share of compromise
i am all for it.
the importance of partnership in my life is
and has been labeled as a weakness..
how could you go so many years without??
where is your own self in this story???
and like that..
but i have regretted no compromise ever made in my marriage
and hope that i have the opportunity to make more
because coupling can complete the picture.
it need not define it but it can cushion and set it off
and on and off again.
