The Grief Recovery Handbook

..so, in this excellent little volume
it tells us lots of things we know and eschews
the pat on the back and huge deep eyes of understanding
that continue to swim around in dreams, a little like
Sargeant Pepper and the Boys.

there is an exercise that suggests that one develop
a Loss Graph. that is, draw a line from your first conscious memory
until now and note the years in which major loss has occurred.
and see what your relationship to loss might be
and how these reactions have calcified and made you
into the oddly twisted person you may be at the moment.
phew-- there are lots of them-- for us all, i suppose
and what about political loss-- like GW, and the loss
we experienced when someone we love was losing big?
and then there is the loss you experience which is good--like weight?
the paper is black with scratchings.
i haven't read the next chapter yet, where they tell you how to complete
all that loss and presto! all is well.

i will tell you that i know T is good and happy.
i will tell you that we as a family had the gift of time
and sharing and our community to get us ready for this shift.
i will tell you that the transition seems right somehow and
sometimes bearable.. but mostly when in the house.
when i leave the house, for anything, that's when things get wobbly.
and now i understand agoraphobia, good for me!

our Sof is processing. tougher for her,
tools different, time different, soul different.
we are working on it together.

at the beach on Sunday morning with the gorgeous nieces and company
i caught sight of myself walking in the wind in T's leather coat
and there was an old woman there, alone, a little plump
the old aunt
seated at the table with the youngsters and there was a slice of
a future i am not choosing-- the kindness of strangers
one has to fight for vitality and the right to live
strong, independent, choosing life
rather than broken and a fifth wheel
oooh
not good

and then there was the Tarot reading from FLower
on the beach, started in the Haight, she says,
rings full of fingers, black roots erupting from her addled head
her stubby silver clad fingers, clutching the Virginia Slim
and enormous styrofoam cup of ice and the message was good and she
looks at me, this pile of flesh and history and says, Yeah honey,
we're about the same age-- and what has her journey been and where is it going?
and me too
and Her husband calls on her cell during the reading,
"hi babe" he says to this pyramid of moosh and
i realize the luxury of familiarity again.
okay okay

loss , familiarity, habit, adventure
they are all entwined.
large ropey creatures we are
now, just not to choke on the twists and turns

all is well

hello out there

shifting shifting
i can actually feel the energy shifting in the house
little by little
the first memorial candle is out
the flowers , so glorious in first blush, are starting to wilt
and we are doing the little things.
replacing the table cloth with a clean one and moving the smaller table
now enough for us two
back to the center of the dining room
i once thought small and
now know to have been the scene of the most expansive of celebrations.

the chicken barbecued on the grill
is burnt
T did that
and the trash cans, those too I pulled in by myself tonight
and new habits for sof
how to dine with mom , her sweet desire to make me feel okay
but she has not completed a full meal at the table since she hit her teen years
so... the cup of tea after dinner, now with..
audrey. yes, that will be fine.

it is not crushing
this readjustment
it is odd and hollow at times
and in yoga class opening the heart chakra was a killer
but according to the Grief Recovery Handbook
which my friend Michael was quick with,
the true grief is with the unfinished conversation
the doubt lingering
the odd ripping of the fabric when unprepared.
yes, there is all that
but not as much , yet, as one would have thought

have not read all the cards and
looked at all the pictures yet
it is inch by inch
but i did receive a card from the surgeon
full of such sad compassion
..." still unclear what happened, but what is clear is that our hearts and prayers are with you."
that is a Zen master struggling with his own heart.

ah me.

so much love still around us but giving us space to take our steps
into the world
seeing who we may be now that we our us
has a cosmic partner.
hmmm

i wonder if anyone is reading...
it feels quiet
quiet
with the feeling that there are scurrying footsteps
behind the scenes moving things around
rearranging the energy so that the next scene can play itself out.

hmmmm
good night for now.
sleep well
we shall see if the silk of sleep
is ready to soothe us for another night.

blessings to all

..the first day of the rest of my life

odd
now hollow
strange but simple
day of being a person
sof home, cuddling in with tv
audrey
stillness
fingers and toes done, then
back to work
strong in the house feeling the energy dripped into the walls
and faint
as we ventured steps away
here and there
errands
tonight a rehearsal for reading of my play BOUNTY OF LACE
which will be read at the Comparative Drama Conference Friday afternoon.
here are the details if you'd like to come:
Friday March 28
4:45 PM in the Redondo Beach Room
Radisson Westside Hotel in Culver City
6161 W. Centinela Blvd. (near the 405 Freeway and the Bridge Shopping Center/ Cinema)
Admission is free for this one event.

out of body
out of mind
xxoo
s

and so it goes

.. so many people
the back garden like a catering hall
and every night for seven nights
enough buzz and energy to light up the city of Manhattan
for a year or two.
and tonight, too
another blast of beauty with the last night of shiva and
the basketball boys showing up
and ilene and joy from GREASE days and
more food and more friends and more flowers
and more music
and then, we walked, sofie and i, me barefoot
she strolling on my arm,
we walked with audrey the dog
in front of us
around the corner ending shiva and back to life...
and as we rounded the corner Audrey (our dog)
began to snarl and bark at other dogs behind bars
and we rounded the other corner to head back and there was
the parking police ticketing everyone
everyone everyone on the block
and much to do
and much plummeting from the earthly realms back to reality
Tone is ready to jettison himself further upward
already gone there i bet
not around to fix parking tickets and
barking dogs and piles of uneaten cookies
and flowers off their blooms..
and so we begin
sof and i
inch by inch back in the world.

thank you to everyone who has been in touch with us
cards and smiles and songs and calls
thank you for pausing to celebrate a life well lived
thank you for sharing the joy of our lives together now

we will see how we move forward
a little at a time
we have work to do and balance to be found
i will probably continue to not answer the phone or even check messages
so please email me if you'd like to be in touch.

and if i am quiet for a while
that is a good and necessary thing
i have enough smoothed shoulders and kisses
and eyes of loving and sympathy for now to digest
and sof will figure out how to mourn...inch by inch as
we have done thus far.

the Bloc will be back in a week or so
i am doing a reading of Bounty of Lace
my Israeli play about women's response to life in a war zone
this week at a conference at Loyola Marymount
I will prepare the New Play fest at school
and Sof will go on a choir tour
and we will see
we will feel and touch and sink and rise as the breath comes and goes.

if you have a dish or a pot or a pan
once filled with gorgeous gracious food for us all
please come by and pick it up
i will leave everything at the top of the driveway and you can come anytime.

much love
and thanks
from Tony and his family
now changed and full of his heart
for all time

klezmer under the stars

though bob dylan and neil young were more his style
last night cousin betsy and friend michael hecht and
their klezmer band played mournful melodies and
sweet syncopations in the garden under the stars
for our Tone
and more food
and more friends and
easter eggs for isaiah
right along with lilacs on the table and
the sounds of davening and
working women--and men-- in the kitchen
making the food, cleaning the plates,
doing the dishes
turning over the barbecue to my darling friend to cook in T's honor....
sitting on low benches and
soft green chairs
and hearing SPACEBALLS play in the office
where another gaggle of kids gathered for T in their way.

i can feel the shift now
T almost jetissoned(sp?) to the upper realms
but lingering close enough enjoy the party
what a glorious send off

and now tonight
chili and kaddish to come
and more friends and a quieter time, perhaps
and maybe more music? or poetry?
or being together simply
as we wend our way to tomorrow and our walk around the block
ending shiva and beginning the rest of our lives.
come be with us if you can these last two nights
we need you to eat and laugh and enjoy the rich
syrup of love oozing from every corner, refilling our little house
with T's spirit

how grateful i am to you all
for me
for sof
for tone

i have pasted the words of Tony's cousin Shelley so you can hear from
another cousin ..
sooon
soooooon
soooooooooon
we will return to our lives
we are winding down and gearing up

we are preparing and we are prepared
much love
s
-----------------------------------------

TRIBUTE TO TONY

TONY’S MOTHER, EVELYN, & MY MOTHER,
CHARLOTTE, WERE 1ST COUSINS. ( MY MOTHER
BEING THE ELDEST). THEIR MOTHERS WERE
SISTERS IN THE LARGE & HANDSOME VICTOR
FAMILY OF BUCHAREST, ROMANIA, WHO CAME TO
PHILADELPHIA IN THE EARLY 1900’S. SOME OF
THE FAMILY THEN MOVED TO LOS ANGELES,
INCLUDING OUR IMMEDIATE FAMILIES.

SO, TECHNICALLY, TONY AND I ARE 1ST COUSINS
ONCE REMOVED. ALTHOUGH WE NEVER DEALT
WITH THE “REMOVED” ASPECT, BUT RATHER, WE
BECAME CLOSER AS WE GREW UP. I, OF COURSE,
HAD A GOOD HEAD START. I WAS AT UCLA WHEN
TONY WAS BORN, IN 1947. BUT AS HE GREW
OLDER THE AGE DISCREPANCY DIMINISHED.

TONY WAS A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WAS VERY
HANDSOME AND TALENTED, AS HE GREW OLDER. I
HAVE SPECIAL RECOLLECTIONS OF HIM, LIKE SNAP SHOTS, OF CERTAIN MOMENTS, SUCH AS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS FRIENDS AT HIS BAR
MITZVAH PARTY IN THE GARDEN ON OAKHURST;
AS WELL AS LIGHTING THE CANDLES AT HANUKAH
LATKAH PARTIES AT THEIR HOUSE; IN HIGH
SCHOOL, PLAYING THE ROLE OF EL GALLO, IN THE
FANTASTICS, WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE; THE IMPRESSIVE BAND, CALLED THE PLAYBOYS, HE PUT TOGETHER., PLAYING DRUMS AT THAT TIME. HE HAD A NATURAL TALENT WITH INSTRUMENTS, AS WELL AS A GOOD VOICE.

WHEN HE WENT INTO THE THEATER, RAY AND I
FOLLOWED HIM, LIKE GROUPIES -- TO THE WEST COAST REPORTORY THEATER, THE LOS ANGELES MUSIC CENTER, LONDON AND NEW YORK.

ON OUR FIRST TRIP TO EUROPE IN 1970, WITH ALL
OF OUR KIDS, WE MET TONY FOR DINNER IN
LONDON. AS HE WAS THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT
TOWN, WORKING IN THE THEATER THERE, HE
CHOSE THE RESTAURANT, AND, IT WAS A GOOD
ONE.

THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF OUR GASTRONOMIC
ADVENTURES TOGETHER. WHEN WE WOULD BE IN
NEW YORK AND HE WAS WORKING THERE, WE
WOULD ALWAYS MEET FOR DINNER. THIS HAS
CONTINUED HERE IN L.A. OCCASIONALY, WITH
TONY & SUSAN, AS WELL.

TONY WAS THE MAIN PROMOTER OF THE FAMILY
MOTHER’S DAY PICNICS OVER THE YEARS. WHICH
WERE ALWAYS FUN, SOMETIMES INCLUDING A
BASKETBALL GAME. AND WE HAVE SHARED MANY
FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNERS AS WELL. EITHER AT
THEIR HOUSE OR OUR HOUSE.

FAMILY HAS ALWAYS BEEN IMPORTANT TO TONY,
OUR FAMILY OF COUSINS, AS WELL AS HIS
WONDERFUL FAMILY OF FRIENDS, WITH WHOM I
HAVE BECOME BETTER ACQAINTED, AND HAVE
COME TO APPRECIATE, MORE RECENTLY.

THE TRADITION OF YOUNGER COUSINS GROWING
UP TO OLDER COUSINS HAS HAPPILY CONTINUED
WITH MY SONS, RON & FINN DEVELOPING STRONG
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH TONY,
THEMSELVES.

AS SUCCESSFUL AS TONY WAS IN THE THEATER, (I
ALWAYS WONDERED WHY HE WASN’T
“DISCOVERED” A LA JOHN TRAVOLTA, AS A YOUNG
MAN, HE WAS SO TALENTED AND HANDSOME BUT,
OH WELL… ) ACTUALLY, HE HAS BEEN EVEN MORE
SUCCESSFUL IN HIS REAL ESTATE CAREER HE
SEEMED TO BE A NATURAL AT IT. HE HAS WON
ALL KINDS OF AWARDS, WAS AT THE TOP OF HIS PROFESSION, AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE TOOK PLEASURE IN HIS SUCCESS

ALL THROUGH THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, THERE
WAS A FLURRY OF SOCIAL ACTIVITY IN TONY’S LIFE. HE WAS TAKEN TO CELEBRATORY DINNERS AND LUNCHES IN BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING
PLACES, TO LAKERS GAMES, AND EVERYTHING
ELSE ONE COULD THINK OF. HE THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED AND APPRECIATED EVERY MOMENT OF
IT.

HE HAD A GREAT CAPACITY TO ENJOY THE GOOD
THINGS IN HIS LIFE, GOOD FOOD AND WINE, INCLUDED. HE LOVED TRAVELING, AND
ADVENTURING, AS WELL. FROM HIKING THE INCA
TRAIL AT MACHU PICHU; TO TONY & SUSAN’S
HONEYMOON IN SUCH EXOTIC PLACES AS
MOROCCO, BALI, AND JAVA, WHERE THEY VISITED WITH COUSINS & COMPOSERS, LARRY POLANSKY & JODY DIAMOND, INVOLVED WITH INDONESIAN MUSIC;
TO THEIR TRIP LAST SUMMER TO THE
GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, WHEN HE E-MAILED HIS CLIENTS “THE ECONOMIC FORECAST” REPORT FROM THE PLANE, EN ROUTE.

AND, HE LOVED ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE, HIS FAMILY AND GOOD FRIENDS.

OF COURSE, HE ADORED SUSAN & SOFI. HE WAS SO PROUD AND SUPPORTIVE OF ALL OF SUSAN’S TALENTS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. AND HE WAS EXTREMELY PROUD OF THE MATURE, LOVELY AND BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN SOFI HAS BECOME.

TONY WAS AN APPEALING, LOVABLE, QUALITY
PERSON OF GREAT INTEGRITY. THOUGH WE WILL ALL MISS HIM GREATLY, HE WILL LIVE ON FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS.



SHELLY KAPPE
MARCH 15, 2008

resurrection sunday

...so, it's Easter and just down the boulevard at the Hollywood Bowl
they are singing to raise the dead..

our shiva is continuing
last night a beautiful mournful clarinet
and friends and family and food
and dying Easter eggs in the fountain and
ricotta cheese cake and starting to cull the wilting flowers
from the many many bouquets
and some departures--
my brother who stood as a tower next me as I started to list like Pisa
having to say the first kaddish
and the Berkeley boys into men who are the true spirit of T
more than any others and the once merely depressed P
now morphed into a man of joy and science and spirit,
investigating the soul and what gives us those spirits
that make us who we are

and changing the sheets on which T last slept
finally
with my women who knew just how to bless our marriage bed
with sage and soft voices and the release of spirit
the light of comfort

and finally, a walk on the beach
with family all together
and laughter in the living room
and our little house full of us all together
so much comfort, so much joy, so much fuel for the transition
too beautiful
too grateful
and Monday the Klezmer band plays
and Tuesday we finish up and take a walk around the block and block
and so we begin a anew
thank you everyone for mourning with us
my god we are so fortunate

i go now to offer some pies to the kids at Covenant House on Easter Sunday
and then swim and return to pray
join us if you can
s

and below are words from friend Bob.
you need to read them--


In Honor of Tony Shultz
by Bob Tzudiker
We think of Tony as the personification of gentleness. But you would not feel that way if you were a wedge of cheese. Especially a soft cheese. Brie lived in fear of Tony.

I would always marvel at Tony’s approach to a cutting board. His whole being became purposeful, he would flow toward that cheese, not with greed or gluttony, but with the same sense of purpose as a river flowing towards its own mouth. That’s how Tony would flow toward that poor cheese.

Once he arrived at the cutting board, Tony would pick up the knife, but he used it as a shovel – gracefully, delicately, he’d carve off a spade full of that cheese. He had no respect for crackers; he’d inundate them, disappear them under a small mountain of cheese. And all of it would be gone in a second, at once both genteel and voracious.

Tony was serious about all his pleasures. Very serious. For all his many talents, pleasure was his true art. He made it profound, a form of worship.

One of the hard things about being alive is when you realize that something will never be again. It’s such a peculiar feeling, and we all share it now - that sweet sting of appreciation of what will never be again. I will never again see Tony eat cheese. But that doesn’t mean he can’t still be my guru of appreciation. To Tony, a fine meal was brushed with immortality.

resting resting blessed

thank you for blessing Tony with your love and celebration.
if you were not with us in person yesterday--
over 400 people strong--
you were there in spirit -- faces floated at me
such joy and beauty
and i come away from yesterday and into today with the knowledge that
T accomplished what he was after.
he made a place for himself in the world.
he made a positive impact
he affected people's lives

i woke to a garden full of flowers
and a trickle of friends here during the day
bearing chinese donuts and receiving Hawaiian shirts for safe keeping.
we are sitting shiva here at the house at 7 every night thru Tuesday
food at 5
please come join us as we continue to process this transition
letting go of old habits and welcoming the new somehow
struggling to create new and stronger ways of being
rather than sinking back into painful patterns that have taken their toll on all of us.
such is growth
such is survival and
what is necessary to flow with grace from one epoch to another

i have pasted both my speech and my daughter, sofie's, for you to read.
i will continue to write as makes sense
if you'd like to hear of our progress and healing for a little time at least.
there are CD's of the ceremony available if anyone would like one.
please email me and let me know.

blessings and thanks
S

==========================================================
Hello friends
If you have yet to meet the person sitting next to you
Please turn to them and catch their eye,
let them feel your hand on theirs
Mark them as a sign upon your heart and upon your soul
For they are the stuff of the community
to which we belong
For we have traveled-- certainly the last part—
of this road together
And for this I am enormously grateful
and truly honored.
And you have more than my thanks.

I learned from my partner, my friend
The man of my dreams and delight of my eyes
I learned that such people as you exist
I learned that there is goodness and hope
There is yes instead of steady no
I have learned that love shows itself in the strangest of places
And in the secret madness of familiarity
and the arrogant contempt for time.

I have learned that loving is complex and fierce
and leaving and returning
And steadily stubbornly every day saying yes
And I am so endlessly sad that I must now cull and quantify the lessons and loving learned in this part of my beautiful life
With my beautiful man-
Now, I build memory upon memory into the new beginning of the rest of my days.
With our gorgeous and strong daughter
And whatever adventures we may encounter.

I should tell you, too, that in the last two months
The months that we really thought his life was ending—only to be bushwhacked by hope—in those months of scotch and ice cream and hilarity and joy we found each other again and Tony found himself—because of all of you. He felt his worth, his life’s work palpable in your love and expressions of support. My god what a gift- to know and feel your worth—and I know and feel he finally ingested that final masterstroke to his beauty.

Tony Shultz—my husband and companion of 27 years-- was beauty, incarnate.
I drew pleasure and delight from his java chip ice cream to his two tone saddle shoes
From the sports cars that never worked
to the years of trails we traveled on faraway continents
and on the journey of our spirits.
,,,,From the feel of his skin.
I have been honored to be his wife, his friend, his fellow traveler.

Juliet spoke of her Romeo:
“And when he shall die
take him and cut him up into little stars
for he shall make the face of heaven so bright
that all the world will be in love with night and
pay no more tribute to the garish sun.”

I carry his heart. I carry it in my heart.

********************************************************************************



Sofie Shultz

The past three months have been both terrifying and incredible. The news of my dad’s illness was shocking and scary, but we all stood together to support each other. But I say it was incredible because of the things I felt compelled to say to my father. Things that normally I would not have said. I got to ask him what he wanted me to be, and where I should go. To ask him what I should do for him to be proud of me forever. He told me that whatever I did, as long as I wanted to do it and be it, and was happy, that he would be proud of me. With a shortened amount of life and the thought that your parents will live forever, urged me to tell him I’d miss him for the special things in my life that he wouldn’t get to be here for: graduation, college, walking me down the aisle. Things I really wanted him to be there with me for. His response is one that will live forever with me: I want to be there for you just as much as you want me to be there.
My dad lived with the finest things. He was a jaguar man, my Disneyland dad.
Being home for the past few days have given me the chance to look around and examine the life he lived; just as he did. All the artifacts, the art, the music, the love that fills our house now shows the wonderful life he lived. It truly was a beautiful life.
I miss him. But he will never be gone. I know that he wanted to be here, to see me grow up, and so he will never leave my side.
He gave me strength, us strength, in our sorrow. And showed me that I am strong, even when I don’t feel I am.
Thanks, dad. As my grandma evie said, it’s been a beautiful life.

spinning spinning and new details

at 6 am today i found myself on the set of
a bizarre and wonderful vampire
television series whispering sweet nasties into the face
of a grown and
now blond anna paquin
yes, my husband not yet settled in heaven
my daughter not yet returned from Rome
the legions of lovers marching toward us as we head toward
our conflagration of love and sadness celebrating
the beauty of my partner and our friend.
don't ask--

it was friday. he was so uncomfortable.
still barely speaking
drinking little, eating nothing
sucking oxygen
"tony, monday i do that vampire thing. shall i do the vampire thing>"
his eyes roll, disgusted
"of course. yes. do the vampire thing."

and our sof calls from the airport as she steps on a plane for Rome
her great adventure and i translate for her Dad
"have a spectacular time sweetheart. enjoy your wonderful adventure.
i love you. you are a terrific girl and i am so very proud of you."
"i love you daddy.:
"I love you sweetheart".

the simplicity of endings.
the banality of bliss.

all these things spinning spinning
and the wind whipping us to the west
a long drive with keith jarrett, wailing in the wind
in tony's audi today, blessedly alone, windy and trying to hard to fit the wind--
friends in the twilight
eating chopped liver and jumbalaya
58 messages on my email.

planning the funeral yesterday
the funeral director telling us we can really get a better deal on real estate if we
bury T in Simi Valley
"half the prince and no freeway noise"
i turn to my sweet friend jacqueline,
and no beat missed she replies" location, location location"
and we melt hysterical, howling amidst caskets and professional
death sitters waiting for tips for reciting psalms in the night with
newly dead, not yet welcome and ready for heaven.

and it goes on and on

THE FUNERAL IS AT MT SINAI MEMORIAL PARK
ON FOREST LAWN DRIVE IN BURBANK
AT 11:45 AM THURSDAY

then, YOU ARE INVITED TO JOIN US AT THE MULHOLLAND
TENNIS CLUB FOR SANDWICHES AND COFFEE AND FURTHER CELEBRATION
OF TONY'S LIFE.

there are so many planning to come from far and near
so do come, and introduce yourself to the person next to you
and share a story and a smile and do one good deed a day in Tony's memory
and all will be well.

THE FUNERAL CAN ONLY BE 45-50 MINUTES LONG
SO, WE WILL HAVE TIME FOR ONLY A FEW SPEAKERS AT THE FUNERAL.
WE WILL HAVE A MIKE AT THE TENNIS CLUB AND ANYONE WHO CARES TO SHARE MORE STORIES
AT THAT TIME WILL BE WELCOME.


i hope that covers everyone.
my sweetheart has still not called
not shown up to take the dog for a ride in his convertible
he is so oddly absent while still with me
breathing the angels breath now and charming the gatekeepers.
my god, how can we be without him
we now must do his work of goodness each and every one of us.

i picked up Rafaella from the top of the hill
as she struggled not to stumble heading down to Franklin for the bus today.
and she told me she was Rafaella
and she asked me who i was.
"YOu drive me down the hill. Who are you so nice person?"
"Tony, I am," i said. And I was, in his name.

see you thursday
come early
there will be many of us.
love

this thursday at 12 noon

dear friends

we will gather at the Mt Sinai Mortuary
on Forest lawn Drive just before you hit the 134 and the back end of Griffith Park.

12 noon thursday
tony will be there and you can see him if you choose to
i feel it is important for me to see the body
and feel him gone
feel the closure of his departure
but if you feel otherwise, please do not feel you need to come forward
during this time there will be music from his nephen Max Williams on Tony';s guitar and
also from cousin betrsy and frieend michael hechts klexzmer band
kewish new orleans style perhaps

we will begin the ceremony at noon
then you are all invited back to our home in hollywood
we will start shiva and sit thru sunday evening
gathering most late afternoons and evenlings and whenever you'd like to come by

my love to you all
and i look forward to meeting those friends of tony that
i have yet to meet

please do spread the word to friends and colleagues
tony would love it if all the seats were filled!
much love and
many many thanks
susan

the great sadness of the ides of march

dearest friends
this you will not believe
there is such sadness and surprise
today

t came home from the hospital
on tuesday evening,
he was doing well though in a great deal of pain.
he was nauseous
so nauseous and in such pain
but strong, fortified
ready to live

but then there was shortness of breath
and the nausea didn't subside
and there was no sleep
no rest to be had
around every corner there was pain and
illness and it was a difficult few days

and we went to the doctors and he made it thru that
and the nausea would not leave him
and he needed so to rest
and he could find no rest and then finally
i got him compazine and there were the other things he needed
and finally last night after many tries
i settled him in our bed, the pillows stacked nad puffed to support him
so he could breathe and perhaps allay the nausea
and he closed his eyes,
and good i thought
i thought oh good, relief,
and i lay with him for a little but he
kept startling
so i closed the door slightly and told him
i was going to rest and i went into the other room and lay down and
i checked on him at midnight and then at 2 and at 4 and at 4 he
was lying on his side, curled up, oxygen on, his eyes closed and
i thought oh good, to rest, to sleep at last and
then i checked on him at 6 and at 8 and he was still sleeping and
at 9:15 again and then the sunlight was streaming in the window and
he was grey, green and cold so cold to the touch
and i closed the door and thought i cannot see him breathing
and he was not breathing
and i called for him and i held him
and i shook him and he was gone and
i called 911
and he was gone and they told me to try CPR but
he was gone and i called to him and he was gone
and his face was peaceful and his eyes were closed and
our darling tony
our friend
our love our stellar man of integrity
and truth
our Tony Shultz was gone.

bushwahacked i think
surprised to go in his sleep.
not expecting it but peaceful on his face.
they say righteous men die in their sleep
and so our T

9:15 AM, the ides of MArch 2008.
he is gone
and we are here
and we are weeping and feeling the wind sweep the skies

the hearse took him away at exactly 11 AM and the bells
yes actually really
the bells rang out as he went down the street
wrapped in our quilt that i made of silk scarves from the
van gogh exhibit so long ago and his first hawaiian shirts

our darling friends
our beloved community
our Tony is gone.

sof is in italy and we must bring her home
with her cousin by wednesday and
we will probably gather to celebrate Tony and his life
on Friday of this next week.

and we will sing and weep and
celebrate our darling man
as the winds sweep the sky and
the sun showers speak to me to tell me that he is safe
though sad to be far away.
so very sad that he is far away

my love to you all.
my heart is yours.
more news will follow

sh-h-h-h-h
breathe for us
for yourselves
news will be here

amen

the slant of the late afternoon sun

..just dappled
truly, like in those poems.
the slanted afternoon light, dappled by the leaves
fell so softly thru our bedroom windows,
the jasmine scent wafted in to cushion the scene
and T took a deep sigh and got into our bed
around 5 this afternoon.
and has been sleeping
sleeping
sleeping thru the sunset and brisket
left by excellent elves for dinner.

so we are home and gathered, our threesome.
resting, resting resting
grateful
sh-hh-h-h-h-h

sofie is readying herself for ten days in Rome with
her girlfriend (poor child)
and we will settle back into our rhythm here.

T cannot speak yet
and is still not ready for visits
and i am buried in paperwork and catching up
but i do need some help with sitters in the next weeks now and then
so if you're free and want to volunteer to just be here
no chatting, just being here
just let me know
by email
and i will see if i can slip you into a slot.

please do make contact before just dropping in.

so many thanks for all your help.
s

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh..........!

lymph nodes clear

recovery
recovery
recovery

radiation
radiation

interferon
interferon and on on on on and

life straight ahead.

omigod
i have to get back to pilates class.

xxoo
s

MAGNIFICENCE, A TRIBUTE

As we all know, or we learn as we grow, we absolutely
cannot move through a full life without the interaction and
weaving of lives.
And being a bossy woman,
I admire many others of the same ilk.....
say,Hillary Clinton--
(it's why she'll be a great bossy president that we need
but that's another thing)

but because i admire bossy women I seek out, revere and learn enormous
amounts from the legions of enormously valuable and well tested women
(and men too) who have gathered round us and linked fingers and toes and
humor and fierceness and said:
"Fuck you! We're here and we're going nowhere.
We have seen children born with neurological challenges, and husbands transferring body fluids from cell to cell and wars fought illegally and protested. we have born children near and far, dealt with addictions, lost parents and lovers and siblings and friends, lived through divorce, met long lost fathers and mothers after years of no contact, we have done the right thing
and the only thing and true thing--
and we have taken the messy consequences
and we are standing strong and firm and defiant..
and it's no big deal.
it's what we do."

these fierce women( and men) of our community.

i am deeply moved by that
by this weaving of fabric that each of us
contributes to with humor and grace and toughness
and clear eyes and soup and sympathy
and tough talk and house cleaning and
new dishes and fabulous flowers and all the things that are necessary
now-- at this time-- at all times.

we are a community that knows whats necessary and
tony and i and sof count ourselves as one with this
community
and we are honored to receive and to give all those things.

this morning a few of these honored magnificent ones gathered
to shout politics and diets and opinions at each other
while my fabulously growing daughter sat and got what it is
to be a magnificent woman.. and that was really something.
i am grateful
but more than that-- i am charged-- we are charged
at this time of our lives
with the responsibility of being true and full
and we have taken this on
together
and this mantle is no small thing.

we need to feel this feeling of being one
and heaving ourselves together and apart up and through
we are all honored to simply be doing what needs to be done
and that is extraordinary.

i never believed it possible.
it is what our marriage has given me.
hmmm

okay

i arrived a hospital to see Tony still here
ministered to by yet another beautiful friend
and we are on the road.
yes, indeed.
it gets simpler every day

okay then.
count on me.
we are still walking the marathon.
pathology report back but we won't know what it says til tomorrow.
i had almost forgotten that there was more to this than just postoperative resurrection.

stay tuned
love
s

RIP VAN WINKLE AWAKES!

....yes. he is back.

wondering where he has been the last 9 days
finally emerging from the fog of ill administered drugs
everything from the misplaced epidural during surgery
to the removal of a longtime med causing a severe
drug withdrawal reaction that sent him spinning into
outer space for almost 48 hours with NO RESPONSE from
the UCLA Psych team, or T's less than gracious
psychiatrist-- but even with wonderful response
from insider doctors and friends of friends doctors
and my screaming and threatening and raging at the
jerks and the nurses requesting help -- still NOTHING to help
T for 48 long hours.... long long hours of looking at the clock
and listing the items in the room
and ....
no matter
or matter for lawsuits only...
now, to revel in his return

his opinions returning, requests,
and restlessness for return of full health
all possible
all good
all reasonable
and then they tried to put him back on delusional meds yesterday when he
was feeling fine!
now who's cuckoo and what nest are we talking about?

no. now just tylenol for pain, and it's working fine thank you.

and i am just left fuming
but....
had a good massage today and am moving on.
yeah right.

okay. the news.
Tony is getting through the crisis.
He has two tubes left that are still leaking air
so he is not quite ready to come home.
They are suggesting Tuesday -ish.
We are beginning low level visits this week at the hospital.
Check in to let me know if you'd like to stop by.
No word on pathology yet but frankly, that's fine .
No more input needed for now.
The wheels are still spinning from this latest speed away from disaster

Attention must be paid, friends.

,,,,,i hardly know

...how to begin to tell you what that the last
two and half days have been like.
suffice to say there has been high drama,
low comedy and major confrontation with bureaucratic authority.
unfortunately, or fortunately-- one must be a warrior advocate for a loved one
while in a hospital.

this does not make one the winner of Ms Congeniality.
it does make one suspect to the bureaucracy
it does help enormously to have a loud mouth
New York shoulders and a sincere thank you and smile
it does help to yelp and wail at authorities and
rattle as many buckets and bells as you can without getting arrested.
it does help to love the person you are going to bat for fiercely
it does help to store up brownie points with those in the power structure who can help resolve a matter.. but also to know that it makes little difference in major entrenched institutions

there are structures in place in UCLA to deal with problems
but unfortunately the wheels are slow and
full of shit and false smiles and
basically -- in our case, they hospital came up a day late and a dollar short n T's latest healing crisis.

thanks instead to the noble efforts of floor nurses
who helped him thru the nights
kind care partnersm who mopped his brow and bathed him sweetly
a zen like surgical team, who appreciated the silence he chose for awhile
Evelyn and Mickey Shultz up in heaven for whatever they were doing
and a good dose of fuck you-- touch him again and i'll kill you
from his gentle and well mannered spouse

my god
where goes gentilty when one fights to protect
someone you love from an unseen foe
and frankly i began to feel as paranoid as my sweet nut case husband
after a while

but..... NoW
today T slept for the first time in five days
he is walking
talking
making more sense
beginning to rest and make progress and
my job is to keep him safe until i can get him home

man oh man


with all best intentions things happen
risk is everywhere
they're making lists
checking them twice.... sound familiar???

how's that for persistent mystery
xxoo
s

turned a corner

am too tired to write
but we have turned a corner today
and i think things will steadily improve
stay tuned
xxoo
s

rough riding at ronald reagan

did you know that UCLA Med Center is the Ronald Reagan Medical Center?

what is the difference between getting an airport named for you
or a hospital.
something to be pondered at a later date

it is now thursday and the last 48 hours have been
immensely challenging

the good news is that the surgeon removed two of the four chest tubes
this morning.
the heart is still in A fib and that remains challenging
but blood pressure seems to be okay and his physical strength is returning.
walked the halls twice today and sat in his chair most of the afternoon.

the mood still is enormously troubling

stemming from the Klonapin withdrawal,
the dilaudid , the stress etc.
he has not slept for several nights.
i worked today and understand that he didn't speak all day
which frankly is not so bad after several days of restless
and delusional talk. who was it said that the drugs were great?
hmmm.

they are now working on getting his mood stabilized.
he is calm, too calm,
saying little,watching everything,whispering to me
in private only. more than the regular delusional stuff from dilaudid.
we are into another realm at the moment of quiet and watchful
paranoia. and now complete and utter exhaustion which may work to his advantage finally
and allow him to sleep.

we still have sitters to stay with him when i can not be there and
a few close pals cover him as well quietly remaining as anchors
during this odd and fluid time.

probably at least another 4-5 days here but
i will try to get him strong enough to get him outside on the plaza
to get a little sun and feel a little wind on his skin over the weekend.

he has always been a guy who needs sunshine.

xxoo

extreme makeover shultz merson edition

it was a day of many masks
happy sad and sanguine

lots of good angel friends
there in an instant to cover T during
two appointments today and
last night too when i had to go home

he was distraught and very anxious last night

and seems to be having that problem
sundowners .. know that one-- happens in the eve
to folk-- i know it only too well from years with my mom--
anxiety more pronounced in evening and after a day of wonderfully creative hallucinations for T-- it is been pretty exhausting for the boy.


jane reports that there was a Jerusalem Summit in the room
this morning before i got here and she was covering..
and it was a good thing too
because when i did arrive after my morning appointment
T says: "Isn't that something?"
""Yes, indeed....", waiting for the punchline, I.
"I'm the president." he says.
"Really."
"We have to move to the White House, Susie."
"Okay, " I say. "As long as I don't have to host any teas."

and various other stripes appearing throughout the day
his brain constantly at work trying to figure himself out
thru the fog of delaudid and other meds
and breathing treatments and all of that--
preventing him from resting much and
enjoying the fact
that dr. cameron came in and said that he is healing nicely and
hopefully he will have a tube out on thursday and another soon after.
good news indeed.

mickey covered in the afternoon when i hurried to another appointment
passing the waiting families in the waiting area downstairs,
stern sentinels, camped out wondering how they got there,
making the chairs all their own for today
only to relinquish them to the next group of waiting families
the next day and the next.

such are hospitals and when they work well , as does this one,
they are also peopled by smart faces, right there, attentive and strong.
they hear us and see us and it has made a great difference in this journey.
the nursing staff has been remarkable. the heart girls, as tony calls the thoracic. cardiac doctors who make morning rounds ( only one lone male intern-- t always partial to smart pretty girls), the pain team, the cameron magic makers, the residents and care partners. there are a lot of good hearts around here with open ears, good hearts.

and returning here to the hospital after getting a call from my agent
telling me i GOT one of the jobs i have been auditioning for
in order to assure us health insurance from now til then
since T is no longer insurable by new carriers and i am not vested at Cal State and
so the cobra there will leave us high and dry if I lose that job with state cuts

and me WEEPING in the car, when my agent told me the news
after leaving yet another audition-- the third in three days--
the third after nothing for over a year!
these appointments
being set up by a wonderful old friend
who has made calls on my behalf to other casting folk

to get me the appointments after all this time -- the agents, the casting people i have worked with diffidently and defensively
for twenty something years
all heaping rewards on my plate
coming thru like champs
and i started to WEEP like those people on
Extreme Makeover Home Edition

because my husband DOES have cancer, ( blubber blubber)
and he IS in the hospital totally wrecked, ( blubber)and
we ARE looking at some rocky days ahead ( WAIL WEEP)
and i am so DEEPLY GRATEFUL to everyone who is helping us so much

and I just lost it on the phone in my husbands car
like those people on the TV program that I am always so embarrassed watching
while Michael my agent-- just like that guy on Queen for A Day used to do-- told me he got me a good rate, and a great dressing room and I was on the road toward insurance...
well... you can imagine

and then i was back at the hospital and
Tony has been shifting and restless all night
and just now tried to make a beeline to the bathroom and
got himself tangled in all the wires.... and, let's see there were four or five folk in here trying to fix that.....

well-- that's enough for now.
we are continuing to make it with a lotta help
from all of our friends.
man oh man
love and thanks and good night

rough waters steady sailing

today was a real tough one
the pain seems to be managed but the desperate details
are making themselves known.

had to come home last night to spend time with sof
and T was confused and a sad isolate
when i got back there this
morning.
he is disoriented with anyone else still


terrible time finding veins for IVs
efforts totalling over an hour and a half- and too many technicians
but finally the masterful Evelyn ( do we think the angels were at work there)
and Obed managed to get the new lines in and the blood out

yesterday they decided that there were
too many drugs and sedatives so
they decided that
the panic meds had to go and
that of course resulted in-- guess what-
yes, of course
panic

after much clear but measured insistence to all involved
(in case you don't know me i am understating here)
including patient relations and various others
we got the klonapin back and that helped to soothe
the rough waters
hopefully-

they had to do a blood transfusion-- hence the new Iv lines
and that is now done and we shall see if that helps.
otherwise the rest of the stuff seems to be balancing a bit
but it is like riding a rough sea in a steady ship

the captain and mates are doing what they can to keep
the passengers safe and secure
despite mighty waves and resulting nausea..
something like that--

i hope he can rest and sleep thru the night as
i think i can only be at one place at one time
perhaps i should suggest that my daughter and/or
my husband should hallucinate me
allowing me to double
and show up wherever seems best.

okay, tomorrow i have a few appointments and will be in and out
of UCLA and that will correspond with a better day for T
i sure hope

i have Thursday coverage for T when I go to Fullerton to teach
and not sure when he will be home but probably not til end of week if then.

he still needs to sit up in a chair a bit more
keep the lungs clearing
walk the long halls
eat a full meal
breathe without oxygen
keep his blood pressure up on his own
have a better blood count
make friends with the tall black man in the white robes

he watches the clock- minute by minute
informing me how long it has been since he has slept
and how many minutes until the next meal which he isn't eating.
and wondering who is singing to him in the silence
i'd like to know that myself

we are making progress
i am tempting him with ice cream
he is a mighty warrior and doing what he can
the dox are in there too
as well as nurses and care partners
it;s a good effort and we shall see how it continues

and then... if this was the whole thing...
haven't even contemplated what comes next..
nope- not tonight
inch by inch
we are indeed getting by with a great deal of help
from our friends
blessings all round
s

sunday morning 10:30 Am

well--- day started a little better with T managing to sit up in a
chair for about ten minutes and a pretty good breakfast
but he is in such pain and still quite loopy.
pouring sweat, all of that
latest visitor--from the other realms-- is tall large black man in white robes who
seems to be seated near by, nodding every now and then. he says others keep poking their heads in to say hello

all the dox have been thru and they will continue to keep
an eye on everything
keep the fluids draining
the heart beating a little less wildly
and the blood pressure up-- see, if he would have had higher blood pressure to start
then it would be good it dropped so much.

they weighed him this morning and
i think they said he is carrying up to
ten pounds of extra liquid--

a hospital night of sleep
complete with chest x rays at 4 AM
night nurses giggling with xray techs
too much explanation at every medication or
what ever was needed
that being said, everyone is trying their best to balance all the elements
and hopefully he will be better inch by inch

i stayed with him last night
cousin kb with sof at home
will get a little break this afternoon but he is still
not ready for visitors
next week maybe
much love and thanks for all your messages and prayers
s

mighty pain and meat thermometers

rougher today
got here at hospital by 10:30
they are balancing meds and atrial fib sneaking in
now and then and blood pressure stuff

the pain is mighty and that's the real tale
the Pain Team have their hands full
but they have managed to do fairly well -
the threesome trolling the hall with secret smiles
wielding the magic that everyone craves.

t continues his imitation of a loopy
Marlon Brando in the Godfather..
this from the windy lung not yet adhered to the chest wall
which is where
it is heading to seal--
hard to rest and get comfortable
and not hard to imagine why
when i caught a tasty look at the incision
and the three chest tubes neatly slid into his flesh
like little meat thermometers measuring the heat of the flesh.
ouch. ouch ouch

ate only two things-- you can guess what
raspberry sorbet and raspberry sorbet--
it's a waiting game

not yet ready for human presentation
stay tuned
love
s