they say it's your birthday..

.. and so it is.
flowers and emails and wishes and greetings from many
many remembering
and reaching out to us and so many thanks for that.
my daughter even sent flowers
with a note to crush any wall of toughness
any scab that might have settled on the wounds.

oy vey
i have hesitated to write as
the ache and moan of the everyday
become wearing for all of us
but


i started the day strong, with posters of love from my sweet girl
mamacards on the breakfast table and my bedroom door

and sprigs of orchids from cautious friends wanting to ache with me
but respecting my need to isolate
then the club for lunch with perfect friend and
more perfect niece and the phone rings
to introduce me to Leon from San Bernadino, a
large black round lovely
retired real estate developer
who drove 90 miles into
town to check on the JAG and want to take it home with him.
and he loves it
the car purrs, says Leon, and I weep for the joy of it
for the purr fect fit of it
for the sweetness of the buyer and loss of the driver
and we sit at Baja Fresh, big Leon and smart Dennis
and caring niece to balance me as I sign agreements to
let the JAG have a new life

tho the roof is broken and yet more and more
and there are cracks in its grill
but Leon assures me he LOVES the JAG
and will pet the JAG
and make the beast beautiful and whole and
so the JAG will go to San Bernadino
in a week or two and another palpable piece of planet Tony
will move away from us.

tonight i will gather with heart filled friends
and we will be bathed in the sounds of a sweet cello
the perfect man found to play for me
for us
so we can hear ourselves tonight of all nights

the blessings abound

and i read the book that tells me the primary and only
relationship that will sustain is that of oneness with the universe
where all love lies
which i understand-- that is stand under and look up to comprehend
and yet have trouble elevating
when the door does not open and
the bell does not ring and
he does not walk back in to our house and
tell me that he is come from yet another screening
and speaks too loud on the phone.
still it is relief to see his exhaustion gone
but
to feel his presence fading, mutable
that differently hollow
such is widowhood month one

so many solo people in the world
the luxury of coupling is much respected
and perhaps meant to be enjoyed in cycles of instruction.
and destruction
and construction.

my garden is in full blossom
oh the joy of it
i enjoy the print by meinraad craighead on my wall
'come gather my ripe harvest
in all it's many colors'

blessings
amen