you gotta know when to hold 'em....

while lying on a massage table last night
breathing deep to help the thumbs of the able Anthony
to release my neck and skull from the power grip of
"fine fine, everything is just fine thank you"

i got to thinking about what is worth holding on to
what is worth letting go of
and the wisdom to know the difference..

there's love, always good to hang on to
if you can figure out what it is and
who is really delivering the goods
and there's resentment-- good to get rid of
but sometimes great to hang on to
when one needs a wound or two to lick
and then there's what you learned in kindergarten
sometimes worth it and sometimes a pile of crap--

but then if you're supposed to let go of things
how come the body holds on for dear life
or clutch of death spasm
to the point of illness or reformation?
and if we are supposed to trust the universe
then how come the universe continues to confound us
with lessons that give only the most enlightened the clues
with which to proceed?

this takes me back to that thought about the punishing god
a few weeks back.. the one that says "kneel and tremble"
rather than "ah babe it's all gonna be okay".

i recently have been lucky enough to spend time
in NYC again, my spiritual home, in my spiritual
sprouting place , that rusty theater on 52nd street
and i have had the distinct pleasure of seeing faces come up those
stairs that i have not seen for over thirty years
and
as each face climbed the stairs and came into view
i had to push aside the years and find the spark
holding them to their essential selves
the selves that I know and that know me and
there they are... still there, still holding onto the life spark given to them
and still giving that life spark to me
that's a good holding, one that multiplies

and then there's the grab of my old aunt at my dad's funeral
who wouldn't let me see my father's body for the last time
and chose instead to envelop me with her pain rather than let me have my own
now that was bad holding

i think it's what jean paul sartre said:
"now and then i feel the caress of time as it goes by"
and its what i feel in my neck clawing into my nerves so very close,
holding on for dear life in every muscle cell and atom
to what i want to be true
to the picture i visualize everyday
to the happy family and good times we are stockpiling

head trust is fine.. therapy helps, so does life and intellect
but wild, primal trust
that sometimes comes with a lover
that trust--to release completely into what is
that is a path to be sought
and then balanced
between taut attention and flaccid surrender

we love and hope and laugh and ignore
and then , just like King Kong, God picks us up by our teeny tiny feet,
wiggles us around and says , just like my
sad and crazy mama once did
"go ahead, kid, live. i dare you."

it ain't so bad but it gives you a run for your money.