ah silence

the joy of nothing special has graced us for the last few days
super bowl parties, and corny school silent auctions
and dinner with friends and talks of obama and hillary and
watching the mexican plumbers break their backs dig dig digging
the trench to our new gorgeous garden bathroom
the important stuff

tony has been quoted as saying he's had more fun in the last month
than he's had in years.
scotch and chocolate and friends and hilarity
and naps on the couch.. well you get the picture
but
oh well
the jig is up or almost up
so now to the difficult decisions with no answers
too many opinions and no real out except through the miserable center

i tell you-
this staying in the moment thing
is the best case

but this moment-- this morning gave us the results of the latest pet/ct scan
and on the one hand-- as one jew once said-
the left lung has NO inflammation and so
as of this moment, the thoracic surgeons were right and
the left lung was inflammation and not cancer.
okay, that's good.

but, the right lung. oh... now there's a new and different story
more growth, more mass, more enlarged lymphnodes tho
no official trace of cancer according to pet scan in lymp system yet
soooo
the time to act is now
surgery or chemo or nothing

we have ruled out nothing
so-- surgery or chemo
difficult choice since the options offered are still unclear

we go back to surgeon on friday
and wait another three hours
bringing Scrabble this time
and see what kind of cells are predominant in biopsy slide
and blah blah blah

we have no answers

and more dread
fuck eloquence