so what can you be afraid of, let us count the ways

okay, another chink lower into the reality

a little slip lower closer to the pit of knowing

10 pm, saturday night, sitting on the couch, watching the news

that was the moment

 we hit the ground running tomorrow 

head to our first legal appointment

 and revisit the oncologist. 

are there clinical trials?

 hope, let's see what is hope. 

what is worthy of hope. 

what is grace, fighting, acceptance, joy... 

wow-- there's a clinic in the Bahamas, we could get a house and all hang at the beach, yeah!

or maybe, Vancouver? it's rainy this time of year... hmmm

 indigestion of the soul.

 so--we looked at each other last night and we figured it out

we were really afraid.

we both knew. we were shy around it.

like maybe we shouldn't let it know we knew it was with us

fear. but then, what have we got to lose anyway- so t says to me

"i'm afraid, susie. are you afraid?"

"yes, are you afraid?"

"yep"

silence.

"I just said i was afraid"

 beat beat

"oh, right. sorry."

"so, what are we afraid of, do we know?" says t, just-the-facts man

"yep, i  have a really long list----" and i listed at least 27 things, and maybe then more

it was a clattery rattle in our little living room

and t said:

"wow, you have a really long list. mine is shorter."

"but you're scared-er, right?" i said

"right"

hmmm. we looked around and see if fear heard and then said fuck it. 

who cares. no news there.

"okay, let's go to bed, okay?", says t

"okay" , i said.

and we did and we were still scared and we still slept thru the night and we still woke up and now it is a beautiful sunday morning and i have a headache

and sofie has gone off to pals

and tony is watching football with his sister and

hannah is cleaning the kitchen.

and we're still afraid.

and we're still here.

and so are you.

and it's all okay.

talk to you tomorrow.

much love