The Grief Recovery Handbook

..so, in this excellent little volume
it tells us lots of things we know and eschews
the pat on the back and huge deep eyes of understanding
that continue to swim around in dreams, a little like
Sargeant Pepper and the Boys.

there is an exercise that suggests that one develop
a Loss Graph. that is, draw a line from your first conscious memory
until now and note the years in which major loss has occurred.
and see what your relationship to loss might be
and how these reactions have calcified and made you
into the oddly twisted person you may be at the moment.
phew-- there are lots of them-- for us all, i suppose
and what about political loss-- like GW, and the loss
we experienced when someone we love was losing big?
and then there is the loss you experience which is good--like weight?
the paper is black with scratchings.
i haven't read the next chapter yet, where they tell you how to complete
all that loss and presto! all is well.

i will tell you that i know T is good and happy.
i will tell you that we as a family had the gift of time
and sharing and our community to get us ready for this shift.
i will tell you that the transition seems right somehow and
sometimes bearable.. but mostly when in the house.
when i leave the house, for anything, that's when things get wobbly.
and now i understand agoraphobia, good for me!

our Sof is processing. tougher for her,
tools different, time different, soul different.
we are working on it together.

at the beach on Sunday morning with the gorgeous nieces and company
i caught sight of myself walking in the wind in T's leather coat
and there was an old woman there, alone, a little plump
the old aunt
seated at the table with the youngsters and there was a slice of
a future i am not choosing-- the kindness of strangers
one has to fight for vitality and the right to live
strong, independent, choosing life
rather than broken and a fifth wheel
oooh
not good

and then there was the Tarot reading from FLower
on the beach, started in the Haight, she says,
rings full of fingers, black roots erupting from her addled head
her stubby silver clad fingers, clutching the Virginia Slim
and enormous styrofoam cup of ice and the message was good and she
looks at me, this pile of flesh and history and says, Yeah honey,
we're about the same age-- and what has her journey been and where is it going?
and me too
and Her husband calls on her cell during the reading,
"hi babe" he says to this pyramid of moosh and
i realize the luxury of familiarity again.
okay okay

loss , familiarity, habit, adventure
they are all entwined.
large ropey creatures we are
now, just not to choke on the twists and turns

all is well

hello out there

shifting shifting
i can actually feel the energy shifting in the house
little by little
the first memorial candle is out
the flowers , so glorious in first blush, are starting to wilt
and we are doing the little things.
replacing the table cloth with a clean one and moving the smaller table
now enough for us two
back to the center of the dining room
i once thought small and
now know to have been the scene of the most expansive of celebrations.

the chicken barbecued on the grill
is burnt
T did that
and the trash cans, those too I pulled in by myself tonight
and new habits for sof
how to dine with mom , her sweet desire to make me feel okay
but she has not completed a full meal at the table since she hit her teen years
so... the cup of tea after dinner, now with..
audrey. yes, that will be fine.

it is not crushing
this readjustment
it is odd and hollow at times
and in yoga class opening the heart chakra was a killer
but according to the Grief Recovery Handbook
which my friend Michael was quick with,
the true grief is with the unfinished conversation
the doubt lingering
the odd ripping of the fabric when unprepared.
yes, there is all that
but not as much , yet, as one would have thought

have not read all the cards and
looked at all the pictures yet
it is inch by inch
but i did receive a card from the surgeon
full of such sad compassion
..." still unclear what happened, but what is clear is that our hearts and prayers are with you."
that is a Zen master struggling with his own heart.

ah me.

so much love still around us but giving us space to take our steps
into the world
seeing who we may be now that we our us
has a cosmic partner.
hmmm

i wonder if anyone is reading...
it feels quiet
quiet
with the feeling that there are scurrying footsteps
behind the scenes moving things around
rearranging the energy so that the next scene can play itself out.

hmmmm
good night for now.
sleep well
we shall see if the silk of sleep
is ready to soothe us for another night.

blessings to all

..the first day of the rest of my life

odd
now hollow
strange but simple
day of being a person
sof home, cuddling in with tv
audrey
stillness
fingers and toes done, then
back to work
strong in the house feeling the energy dripped into the walls
and faint
as we ventured steps away
here and there
errands
tonight a rehearsal for reading of my play BOUNTY OF LACE
which will be read at the Comparative Drama Conference Friday afternoon.
here are the details if you'd like to come:
Friday March 28
4:45 PM in the Redondo Beach Room
Radisson Westside Hotel in Culver City
6161 W. Centinela Blvd. (near the 405 Freeway and the Bridge Shopping Center/ Cinema)
Admission is free for this one event.

out of body
out of mind
xxoo
s

and so it goes

.. so many people
the back garden like a catering hall
and every night for seven nights
enough buzz and energy to light up the city of Manhattan
for a year or two.
and tonight, too
another blast of beauty with the last night of shiva and
the basketball boys showing up
and ilene and joy from GREASE days and
more food and more friends and more flowers
and more music
and then, we walked, sofie and i, me barefoot
she strolling on my arm,
we walked with audrey the dog
in front of us
around the corner ending shiva and back to life...
and as we rounded the corner Audrey (our dog)
began to snarl and bark at other dogs behind bars
and we rounded the other corner to head back and there was
the parking police ticketing everyone
everyone everyone on the block
and much to do
and much plummeting from the earthly realms back to reality
Tone is ready to jettison himself further upward
already gone there i bet
not around to fix parking tickets and
barking dogs and piles of uneaten cookies
and flowers off their blooms..
and so we begin
sof and i
inch by inch back in the world.

thank you to everyone who has been in touch with us
cards and smiles and songs and calls
thank you for pausing to celebrate a life well lived
thank you for sharing the joy of our lives together now

we will see how we move forward
a little at a time
we have work to do and balance to be found
i will probably continue to not answer the phone or even check messages
so please email me if you'd like to be in touch.

and if i am quiet for a while
that is a good and necessary thing
i have enough smoothed shoulders and kisses
and eyes of loving and sympathy for now to digest
and sof will figure out how to mourn...inch by inch as
we have done thus far.

the Bloc will be back in a week or so
i am doing a reading of Bounty of Lace
my Israeli play about women's response to life in a war zone
this week at a conference at Loyola Marymount
I will prepare the New Play fest at school
and Sof will go on a choir tour
and we will see
we will feel and touch and sink and rise as the breath comes and goes.

if you have a dish or a pot or a pan
once filled with gorgeous gracious food for us all
please come by and pick it up
i will leave everything at the top of the driveway and you can come anytime.

much love
and thanks
from Tony and his family
now changed and full of his heart
for all time

klezmer under the stars

though bob dylan and neil young were more his style
last night cousin betsy and friend michael hecht and
their klezmer band played mournful melodies and
sweet syncopations in the garden under the stars
for our Tone
and more food
and more friends and
easter eggs for isaiah
right along with lilacs on the table and
the sounds of davening and
working women--and men-- in the kitchen
making the food, cleaning the plates,
doing the dishes
turning over the barbecue to my darling friend to cook in T's honor....
sitting on low benches and
soft green chairs
and hearing SPACEBALLS play in the office
where another gaggle of kids gathered for T in their way.

i can feel the shift now
T almost jetissoned(sp?) to the upper realms
but lingering close enough enjoy the party
what a glorious send off

and now tonight
chili and kaddish to come
and more friends and a quieter time, perhaps
and maybe more music? or poetry?
or being together simply
as we wend our way to tomorrow and our walk around the block
ending shiva and beginning the rest of our lives.
come be with us if you can these last two nights
we need you to eat and laugh and enjoy the rich
syrup of love oozing from every corner, refilling our little house
with T's spirit

how grateful i am to you all
for me
for sof
for tone

i have pasted the words of Tony's cousin Shelley so you can hear from
another cousin ..
sooon
soooooon
soooooooooon
we will return to our lives
we are winding down and gearing up

we are preparing and we are prepared
much love
s
-----------------------------------------

TRIBUTE TO TONY

TONY’S MOTHER, EVELYN, & MY MOTHER,
CHARLOTTE, WERE 1ST COUSINS. ( MY MOTHER
BEING THE ELDEST). THEIR MOTHERS WERE
SISTERS IN THE LARGE & HANDSOME VICTOR
FAMILY OF BUCHAREST, ROMANIA, WHO CAME TO
PHILADELPHIA IN THE EARLY 1900’S. SOME OF
THE FAMILY THEN MOVED TO LOS ANGELES,
INCLUDING OUR IMMEDIATE FAMILIES.

SO, TECHNICALLY, TONY AND I ARE 1ST COUSINS
ONCE REMOVED. ALTHOUGH WE NEVER DEALT
WITH THE “REMOVED” ASPECT, BUT RATHER, WE
BECAME CLOSER AS WE GREW UP. I, OF COURSE,
HAD A GOOD HEAD START. I WAS AT UCLA WHEN
TONY WAS BORN, IN 1947. BUT AS HE GREW
OLDER THE AGE DISCREPANCY DIMINISHED.

TONY WAS A BEAUTIFUL CHILD, AND WAS VERY
HANDSOME AND TALENTED, AS HE GREW OLDER. I
HAVE SPECIAL RECOLLECTIONS OF HIM, LIKE SNAP SHOTS, OF CERTAIN MOMENTS, SUCH AS WHEN HE WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS FRIENDS AT HIS BAR
MITZVAH PARTY IN THE GARDEN ON OAKHURST;
AS WELL AS LIGHTING THE CANDLES AT HANUKAH
LATKAH PARTIES AT THEIR HOUSE; IN HIGH
SCHOOL, PLAYING THE ROLE OF EL GALLO, IN THE
FANTASTICS, WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE; THE IMPRESSIVE BAND, CALLED THE PLAYBOYS, HE PUT TOGETHER., PLAYING DRUMS AT THAT TIME. HE HAD A NATURAL TALENT WITH INSTRUMENTS, AS WELL AS A GOOD VOICE.

WHEN HE WENT INTO THE THEATER, RAY AND I
FOLLOWED HIM, LIKE GROUPIES -- TO THE WEST COAST REPORTORY THEATER, THE LOS ANGELES MUSIC CENTER, LONDON AND NEW YORK.

ON OUR FIRST TRIP TO EUROPE IN 1970, WITH ALL
OF OUR KIDS, WE MET TONY FOR DINNER IN
LONDON. AS HE WAS THE YOUNG MAN ABOUT
TOWN, WORKING IN THE THEATER THERE, HE
CHOSE THE RESTAURANT, AND, IT WAS A GOOD
ONE.

THAT WAS THE BEGINNING OF OUR GASTRONOMIC
ADVENTURES TOGETHER. WHEN WE WOULD BE IN
NEW YORK AND HE WAS WORKING THERE, WE
WOULD ALWAYS MEET FOR DINNER. THIS HAS
CONTINUED HERE IN L.A. OCCASIONALY, WITH
TONY & SUSAN, AS WELL.

TONY WAS THE MAIN PROMOTER OF THE FAMILY
MOTHER’S DAY PICNICS OVER THE YEARS. WHICH
WERE ALWAYS FUN, SOMETIMES INCLUDING A
BASKETBALL GAME. AND WE HAVE SHARED MANY
FAMILY HOLIDAY DINNERS AS WELL. EITHER AT
THEIR HOUSE OR OUR HOUSE.

FAMILY HAS ALWAYS BEEN IMPORTANT TO TONY,
OUR FAMILY OF COUSINS, AS WELL AS HIS
WONDERFUL FAMILY OF FRIENDS, WITH WHOM I
HAVE BECOME BETTER ACQAINTED, AND HAVE
COME TO APPRECIATE, MORE RECENTLY.

THE TRADITION OF YOUNGER COUSINS GROWING
UP TO OLDER COUSINS HAS HAPPILY CONTINUED
WITH MY SONS, RON & FINN DEVELOPING STRONG
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH TONY,
THEMSELVES.

AS SUCCESSFUL AS TONY WAS IN THE THEATER, (I
ALWAYS WONDERED WHY HE WASN’T
“DISCOVERED” A LA JOHN TRAVOLTA, AS A YOUNG
MAN, HE WAS SO TALENTED AND HANDSOME BUT,
OH WELL… ) ACTUALLY, HE HAS BEEN EVEN MORE
SUCCESSFUL IN HIS REAL ESTATE CAREER HE
SEEMED TO BE A NATURAL AT IT. HE HAS WON
ALL KINDS OF AWARDS, WAS AT THE TOP OF HIS PROFESSION, AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, HE TOOK PLEASURE IN HIS SUCCESS

ALL THROUGH THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY, THERE
WAS A FLURRY OF SOCIAL ACTIVITY IN TONY’S LIFE. HE WAS TAKEN TO CELEBRATORY DINNERS AND LUNCHES IN BEAUTIFUL AND INTERESTING
PLACES, TO LAKERS GAMES, AND EVERYTHING
ELSE ONE COULD THINK OF. HE THOROUGHLY
ENJOYED AND APPRECIATED EVERY MOMENT OF
IT.

HE HAD A GREAT CAPACITY TO ENJOY THE GOOD
THINGS IN HIS LIFE, GOOD FOOD AND WINE, INCLUDED. HE LOVED TRAVELING, AND
ADVENTURING, AS WELL. FROM HIKING THE INCA
TRAIL AT MACHU PICHU; TO TONY & SUSAN’S
HONEYMOON IN SUCH EXOTIC PLACES AS
MOROCCO, BALI, AND JAVA, WHERE THEY VISITED WITH COUSINS & COMPOSERS, LARRY POLANSKY & JODY DIAMOND, INVOLVED WITH INDONESIAN MUSIC;
TO THEIR TRIP LAST SUMMER TO THE
GALAPAGOS ISLANDS, WHEN HE E-MAILED HIS CLIENTS “THE ECONOMIC FORECAST” REPORT FROM THE PLANE, EN ROUTE.

AND, HE LOVED ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE, HIS FAMILY AND GOOD FRIENDS.

OF COURSE, HE ADORED SUSAN & SOFI. HE WAS SO PROUD AND SUPPORTIVE OF ALL OF SUSAN’S TALENTS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. AND HE WAS EXTREMELY PROUD OF THE MATURE, LOVELY AND BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN SOFI HAS BECOME.

TONY WAS AN APPEALING, LOVABLE, QUALITY
PERSON OF GREAT INTEGRITY. THOUGH WE WILL ALL MISS HIM GREATLY, HE WILL LIVE ON FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS AND MINDS.



SHELLY KAPPE
MARCH 15, 2008

resurrection sunday

...so, it's Easter and just down the boulevard at the Hollywood Bowl
they are singing to raise the dead..

our shiva is continuing
last night a beautiful mournful clarinet
and friends and family and food
and dying Easter eggs in the fountain and
ricotta cheese cake and starting to cull the wilting flowers
from the many many bouquets
and some departures--
my brother who stood as a tower next me as I started to list like Pisa
having to say the first kaddish
and the Berkeley boys into men who are the true spirit of T
more than any others and the once merely depressed P
now morphed into a man of joy and science and spirit,
investigating the soul and what gives us those spirits
that make us who we are

and changing the sheets on which T last slept
finally
with my women who knew just how to bless our marriage bed
with sage and soft voices and the release of spirit
the light of comfort

and finally, a walk on the beach
with family all together
and laughter in the living room
and our little house full of us all together
so much comfort, so much joy, so much fuel for the transition
too beautiful
too grateful
and Monday the Klezmer band plays
and Tuesday we finish up and take a walk around the block and block
and so we begin a anew
thank you everyone for mourning with us
my god we are so fortunate

i go now to offer some pies to the kids at Covenant House on Easter Sunday
and then swim and return to pray
join us if you can
s

and below are words from friend Bob.
you need to read them--


In Honor of Tony Shultz
by Bob Tzudiker
We think of Tony as the personification of gentleness. But you would not feel that way if you were a wedge of cheese. Especially a soft cheese. Brie lived in fear of Tony.

I would always marvel at Tony’s approach to a cutting board. His whole being became purposeful, he would flow toward that cheese, not with greed or gluttony, but with the same sense of purpose as a river flowing towards its own mouth. That’s how Tony would flow toward that poor cheese.

Once he arrived at the cutting board, Tony would pick up the knife, but he used it as a shovel – gracefully, delicately, he’d carve off a spade full of that cheese. He had no respect for crackers; he’d inundate them, disappear them under a small mountain of cheese. And all of it would be gone in a second, at once both genteel and voracious.

Tony was serious about all his pleasures. Very serious. For all his many talents, pleasure was his true art. He made it profound, a form of worship.

One of the hard things about being alive is when you realize that something will never be again. It’s such a peculiar feeling, and we all share it now - that sweet sting of appreciation of what will never be again. I will never again see Tony eat cheese. But that doesn’t mean he can’t still be my guru of appreciation. To Tony, a fine meal was brushed with immortality.

resting resting blessed

thank you for blessing Tony with your love and celebration.
if you were not with us in person yesterday--
over 400 people strong--
you were there in spirit -- faces floated at me
such joy and beauty
and i come away from yesterday and into today with the knowledge that
T accomplished what he was after.
he made a place for himself in the world.
he made a positive impact
he affected people's lives

i woke to a garden full of flowers
and a trickle of friends here during the day
bearing chinese donuts and receiving Hawaiian shirts for safe keeping.
we are sitting shiva here at the house at 7 every night thru Tuesday
food at 5
please come join us as we continue to process this transition
letting go of old habits and welcoming the new somehow
struggling to create new and stronger ways of being
rather than sinking back into painful patterns that have taken their toll on all of us.
such is growth
such is survival and
what is necessary to flow with grace from one epoch to another

i have pasted both my speech and my daughter, sofie's, for you to read.
i will continue to write as makes sense
if you'd like to hear of our progress and healing for a little time at least.
there are CD's of the ceremony available if anyone would like one.
please email me and let me know.

blessings and thanks
S

==========================================================
Hello friends
If you have yet to meet the person sitting next to you
Please turn to them and catch their eye,
let them feel your hand on theirs
Mark them as a sign upon your heart and upon your soul
For they are the stuff of the community
to which we belong
For we have traveled-- certainly the last part—
of this road together
And for this I am enormously grateful
and truly honored.
And you have more than my thanks.

I learned from my partner, my friend
The man of my dreams and delight of my eyes
I learned that such people as you exist
I learned that there is goodness and hope
There is yes instead of steady no
I have learned that love shows itself in the strangest of places
And in the secret madness of familiarity
and the arrogant contempt for time.

I have learned that loving is complex and fierce
and leaving and returning
And steadily stubbornly every day saying yes
And I am so endlessly sad that I must now cull and quantify the lessons and loving learned in this part of my beautiful life
With my beautiful man-
Now, I build memory upon memory into the new beginning of the rest of my days.
With our gorgeous and strong daughter
And whatever adventures we may encounter.

I should tell you, too, that in the last two months
The months that we really thought his life was ending—only to be bushwhacked by hope—in those months of scotch and ice cream and hilarity and joy we found each other again and Tony found himself—because of all of you. He felt his worth, his life’s work palpable in your love and expressions of support. My god what a gift- to know and feel your worth—and I know and feel he finally ingested that final masterstroke to his beauty.

Tony Shultz—my husband and companion of 27 years-- was beauty, incarnate.
I drew pleasure and delight from his java chip ice cream to his two tone saddle shoes
From the sports cars that never worked
to the years of trails we traveled on faraway continents
and on the journey of our spirits.
,,,,From the feel of his skin.
I have been honored to be his wife, his friend, his fellow traveler.

Juliet spoke of her Romeo:
“And when he shall die
take him and cut him up into little stars
for he shall make the face of heaven so bright
that all the world will be in love with night and
pay no more tribute to the garish sun.”

I carry his heart. I carry it in my heart.

********************************************************************************



Sofie Shultz

The past three months have been both terrifying and incredible. The news of my dad’s illness was shocking and scary, but we all stood together to support each other. But I say it was incredible because of the things I felt compelled to say to my father. Things that normally I would not have said. I got to ask him what he wanted me to be, and where I should go. To ask him what I should do for him to be proud of me forever. He told me that whatever I did, as long as I wanted to do it and be it, and was happy, that he would be proud of me. With a shortened amount of life and the thought that your parents will live forever, urged me to tell him I’d miss him for the special things in my life that he wouldn’t get to be here for: graduation, college, walking me down the aisle. Things I really wanted him to be there with me for. His response is one that will live forever with me: I want to be there for you just as much as you want me to be there.
My dad lived with the finest things. He was a jaguar man, my Disneyland dad.
Being home for the past few days have given me the chance to look around and examine the life he lived; just as he did. All the artifacts, the art, the music, the love that fills our house now shows the wonderful life he lived. It truly was a beautiful life.
I miss him. But he will never be gone. I know that he wanted to be here, to see me grow up, and so he will never leave my side.
He gave me strength, us strength, in our sorrow. And showed me that I am strong, even when I don’t feel I am.
Thanks, dad. As my grandma evie said, it’s been a beautiful life.